


Forget about stars for a while

by deepgreensea



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Spock, Feelings, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Recovery, Sad Spock, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Swearing, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-15 04:43:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8043007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepgreensea/pseuds/deepgreensea
Summary: Set after the events of Into Darkness.
Spock is having a hard time making peace with the emotions he experiences after Kirk's death. After receiving some encouragement from a trusted source he decides to explore his feelings rather than trying to shut them down.





	1. Chapter 1

Some time after the destruction of Vulcan, when he had dealt with it as best he could, Spock started to take solace in the only thing he knew for certain – that the worst and most painful part of his life was behind him. Never again would he have to feel like he did on the day his mother, six billion fellow Vulcans, and his planet were all destroyed. No death would ever impact him as much or cause him to feel that kind of grief ever again. He allowed himself to be comforted by that knowledge in times of need. He knew, with absolute certainty, that he would never feel pain like that again.

He knew it only until he was on the other side of an airlock from a dying Jim Kirk, unable to save him, touch him, or comfort him. Overcome with anguish as his friend asked for his help to somehow not be scared. To not feel. There was not enough time to say all the things that he wanted Jim to hear about just how much he felt at that moment, and there wasn’t a word for the despair Spock felt at not being able to comfort his dying friend.

The look Jim gave him, and the smile right at the end gave Spock an overwhelming awareness of all that they were meant to be. When Jim’s hand slid down the glass and Spock saw the life fade from his eyes, he felt horribly cheated. Cheated out of a lifetime of friendship and defining experiences that he _knew_ they had shared in another life. All he had managed to get in this one was a taste, a small glimpse of the greatness that was to come. The realisation of all that he had just been deprived of pierced through his heart and in that moment Spock knew that he had been so very wrong about the worst day of his life having passed.

Were it not for the others Spock would have opened the door and accepted death for a chance to spend the rest of his very short life holding Jim in his arms.

And then he just felt anger.

\---

The first really good blow that Khan dealt him made Spock realise that even his superior Vulcan brain could not simultaneously process both physical and emotional pain, and right now the latter hurt way more. So he revelled in the physical. He didn’t care if he lost. He wanted to kill Khan. Kill him and then wake up the rest of his crew and then kill them as well. Maybe one by one, maybe all at once. Whatever took the longest. He’d never enjoyed fighting, looked down in his own discrete way at the barbarians who did, but now it was the only thing keeping him from feeling the kind of pain that he thought might actually kill him.

And then all too soon Uhura stopped him, said some words that barely registered since he’d shut off the logical part of his brain altogether.

When he got back to the ship and raced to sickbay, carrying Khan’s lifeless body over his shoulders, he saw that Jim was in a cryotube. More glass that stood in his way. He vaguely remembered clawing at the tube, McCoy shouting at him to get away. He took down three security officers, his body screaming but ready to fight anyone that threatened to separate him from Jim again. McCoy, swearing he was done with all of this, managed to get close enough to give Spock a sedative - which did nothing except allow two other officers to finally restrain him.

In a moment of uncharacteristic compassion towards the Vulcan, McCoy put both hands on Spock’s shoulders, comfortingly, and told him he would get Jim back, would do whatever was possible and then try the impossible, but Spock needed to leave and let him do his job. McCoy promised to let him know the second anything changed, but it would take a few hours, and Spock needed to go to his quarters and calm down. Maybe the compassion came from knowing that they were experiencing the same emotions, except that McCoy had experienced them on a regular basis whereas Spock had probably only done so a few times in his adult life. Maybe it was because McCoy knew that Spock did not form attachments voluntarily, and the fact that he had let Jim in - against all his Vulcan logic and judgement - meant so very much, and made this experience all the more tragic.

Coming back to his senses on the way out of sickbay, Spock was able to notice the terrified faces of the medical personnel scattered around. He was thankful that he could not see Uhura among them, this is not something she needed to see. No one should have seen this.

Maybe she had seen just enough though, because he passed her on the way out and she knew better than to stop him or even look his way. This was not the same Spock that she had kissed in the turbolift a year ago when his planet was destroyed, the one that took comfort in her words and her touches. This Spock was inconsolable and feral.

\---

Spock felt raw, bruised and shattered. Later he would not remember how he got to his quarters, which had fortunately survived Khan’s attacks. Once inside he dropped to the floor and sobbed, something his body instinctively knew how to do, but the unfamiliar sound sent new surges of emotions through him. He suddenly felt ashamed that the death of one man had triggered more within him that the death of nearly his entire race and the destruction of his home. Is this what friendship was?

He let himself drown in everything he was experiencing until it was so unbearable he felt could not endure it for another minute. He needed to get up and rebuild himself, put on his armour and carry on. His Vulcan discipline provided him with just enough strength to do that. He got up and strode unsteadily but purposefully to his meditation mat and sat down. He needed these feeling to end, his mind and heart to once more be at peace. So he purged his emotions, or tried to at least. In his haste and exhaustion he did not acknowledge them properly - did not deal adequately with the ones that confused him and did not question why they were all there - and when he was done there was a lingering feeling that he had not put himself back together quite right.

Instead of the pleasant stillness that usually accompanied an effort of this nature he was left with remnants of painful emotions, bits and pieces of distress floating around. But fixing that would require breaking himself open again, and he would not endure what he had just gone through for a second time. Anything was better than what he had felt the last few hours and he would take it and deal with the consequences later.

He sat and meditated, on the outside a picture of calm compared to a few hours ago. When he finished he restrained himself from going back to sickbay, knowing he would be the first McCoy would notify. That and the utter embarrassment he felt at his earlier behaviour. He thought of going to Uhura but he was not sure of what he should say. _I would not grieve like this for you._

Instead he packed his belongings. The Enterprise needed extensive repairs, and there was no doubt that the entire crew would be forced to take extensive shore leave. He was halfway through when McCoy called him to sickbay. Spock could not tell anything from McCoy’s voice so he ran just a bit faster than he should have.

When Spock entered sickbay McCoy tried to force what was supposed to be a smile and Spock looked past him to see Jim, surrounded by machines and hooked up to a plethora of apparatus.

“Is he…?” Spock was shocked to hear his own voice wavering.

“He’s alive Spock. I don’t know how but—” McCoy didn’t finish because Spock grabbed his arm and sank down to his knees, his legs suddenly giving out beneath him. McCoy, in his second atypically compassionate gesture that day, grabbed Spock and lifted him to his feet, mumbling some words of encouragement.

“His heart is beating. We can’t really ask for more right now. I think he’s gonna be okay though.”

“Thank you doctor.”

“You saved his life Spock, thank you.”

Spock nodded, “I wish to remain here for a while, if you will allow it.”

“Of course Spock, as long as you like,” McCoy replied, patting him on the shoulder.

Spock pulled up a chair and sat down as close as he could to Jim. _Damn machines, always something in the way_. Anything else he felt on the way over was drowned out by the immense relief he experienced. He sat at Jim’s bedside for many hours, as many as he could manage. In that time he watched nurses and sometimes McCoy come and go, checking readings and occasionally making adjustments. The bridge crew came, as well as Scotty, McCoy only letting them in one at a time. Spock suspected it was more for his benefit that Jim’s. Some of them spoke to Spock, he would never remember about what, some gave him supportive touches on the shoulder. Uhura kissed the top of his head which he knew meant that everything was okay, she understood what he was going through.

McCoy had to drag him away in the early hours of the morning, but not before checking Spock for injuries, of which he had many.

“Spock are you insane? You have fractured ribs, and broken bones in your hand!”

“I did not notice.” Spock was not lying. Everything hurt, inside and out, and it was difficult to distinguish between all the various pains.

“Bullshit.”

McCoy fixed him up before sending him on his way, again promising to notify him in the event of anything important.

Anything important did not happen for two more weeks.

\---

Spock stayed on the Enterprise even though he had been assigned more than satisfactory accommodation on the ground in San Francisco. Jim could not be physically moved or beamed down with all the various medical equipment that he was hooked up to, so the Enterprise had a skeleton crew along with McCoy and a few other medical officers. Spock spent most of his days in sickbay, sometimes working on his PADD, sometimes meditating, sometimes just sitting. It pained Spock to see Jim like this, maybe to see him at all, but not as much as it hurt to be away from him.

Those feelings Spock had tried to repress would surface every morning when when he saw Jim, but what awaited him every night when he went back to his quarters was far worse. He had not been sleeping well, some nights not at all, giving up trying in lieu of meditation. Images and words tormented him every time he closed his eyes, and more often than not when he did fall asleep he would wake up from haunting nightmares.

Every morning that Spock walked in to sickbay there were less and less machines surrounding Jim. One morning, a week after the ordeal had begun, he walked in and they were finally all gone. He stood by Jim’s bed for a few minutes and then went back to his quarters to pack his bag for the second time.

Jim, still unconscious but stable and showing signs of recovery, was transported down to a hospital that afternoon. Spock came to visit as soon as he had finished organising alternative accommodation much closer to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board/inspiration for this chapter on my tumblr:
> 
>  
> 
> [Chapter 1](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150461552171/mood-boardinspiration-for-chapter-1-of-forget)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> This is my first Spirk fic so comments/kudos will be much appreciated!
> 
> Next chapter should be up tomorrow :-)


	2. Chapter 2

It was different at the hospital. Despite the private suite there were more people, all the time. Spock liked – preferred rather – the quiet of sickbay. The hospital had more doctors, more nurses, more visitors. Spock could swear every single crew member of the Enterprise, past and present, had come to visit. Spock could not tell whether it felt like they were intruding on something, or he was.

He got his quiet time late in the evenings though, he suspected that McCoy had arranged for him to be able to stay quite a bit past normal visiting hours. He had no reason to suspect that other than the fact that no one kicked him out. It was also possible that some of the Enterprise’s medical personnel had warned the hospital staff of the fate that awaited them if they tried.

Almost a week had passed like this and on one of those quiet nights Spock moved from his usual spot in the corner to sit closer, right by Jim’s bed. For the first time in two weeks Spock just sat and looked at Jim. Tried to just look and not get caught up in the feelings that attempted to overwhelm him. Spock looked at Jim's peaceful features, more peaceful than he’d ever seen before. He allowed himself to be reassured by the comforting sight of Jim’s chest slowly rising and falling. He wasn’t sure what compelled him, but he was overcome by the need for some form of physical contact. (Later he would be able to admit that he just missed Jim’s touch, but not yet.)

Tentatively and carefully he reached out and wrapped his fingers around Jim’s hand. It was both exhilarating and disappointing. Disappointing only because some clearly un-Vulcan part of Spock had hoped for a reaction - a light squeeze maybe, a brush of a thumb, anything. Still, it felt like a closure of sorts. This is what Spock wanted to do when there was an airlock separating them. He tried to not think about all the Vulcan connotations of hand holding, pushing it aside to just appreciate the touch.

He sat like that for a few minutes before standing up and slowly removing his hand from Jim’s, tracing it gently with his fingertips as he did so. Suddenly he desperately needed to get outside and into the crisp night air.

\---

The next day, laughing defiantly in the face of fate, Jim Kirk woke up.

After that things changed for Spock. There was no more quiet time with Jim. When Jim was asleep McCoy kicked everyone out to make sure Jim was not disturbed, and when he was awake he was surrounded by an endless swarm of well-wishers. People that were all smiling and happy to see Jim, as if the past two weeks hadn’t happened. Spock didn’t understand this, because despite all the relief he felt at having his friend back he could still feel all the pain as sharply as the day Jim died.

And so reluctantly, against his wishes, Spock’s visits declined drastically over the next two weeks. He’d grown accustomed to being by Jim’s side, just sitting quietly, waiting for something to happen, but now that it had and Jim was awake Spock felt out of place somehow. Maybe he also feared that at some point Jim would want to talk about what happened that day. So he made excuses about not being able to stay long. It was true that Spock had volunteered his time to assist the Science Academy on New Vulcan, but there was more than enough time for both.

Their conversations were brief and ordinary, Spock torn between not wanting to talk about what happened and not being able to talk about anything but the fact that Jim had died. Died and left Spock heartbroken and alone and confused, with no one to help him recover from this, and no one to help him understand all the things he felt. Jim had made Spock feel so many things so very deeply, pulled emotions out of some depth Spock didn’t know he had.

So he made mundane small talk, which was unheard of for a Vulcan, and excused himself every time Jim’s face got anywhere near looking serious.

The day Jim was released from hospital Spock did not come to visit.

\---

Two days after Jim’s release, Spock received word via official channels that his captain had left San Francisco to recuperate somewhere quiet, away from the public eye. Spock was not informed of where, and apparently only McCoy knew his location for the purposes of semiweekly medical check-ups. This hurt Spock more than he could comprehend. He should have spoken to Jim, provided the friendship that both of them had come to count on instead of running at the first sign of something he did not understand.

That night was the worst he’d had. Sleep lured him in only to torment him as soon as he succumbed. His dreams brought with them emotions so strong he could not curb them in his slumber, so he was forced to abandon his bed tired and drained. Meditation escaped him, so he got dressed and went outside and walked until the sun came up. And he did what he was good at. He thought.

\---

Spock’s experience the previous night had led him to the only logical course of action, and so now here he was, standing outside the door of a hotel room.

“Ambassador.” Spock nodded politely when the older man opened the door.

“Good afternoon Spock.” The ambassador had a warm smile that he made no effort in hiding and Spock wondered whether he would ever be capable of the same level of emotional display. “I am pleased to see you.”

“And I you. I was surprised to learn of your presence here, it was unexpected but fortuitous.” The ambassador led his younger self inside and they sat down at the table to a pot of freshly brewed Vulcan tea. Spock’s favourite. _Of course_.

“I thought of contacting you after I found out what had happened,” the ambassador started, “but I felt you needed time to come to your own conclusions. I admit I am not surprised to see you.”

“I am grateful for your time Ambassador.”

“Spock, despite how strange our circumstances are I hope you understand I am the only person in the universe that you may say anything to without expecting judgement or criticism. I can see you are troubled, far more than I ever remember myself being at your age. Please, allow me to help you.”

Spock had reservations he could not even define but looking into what he knew to be his own face, aged but brimming with kindness and compassion, he found it easy to speak. “I do not know how to reconcile the emotions I experienced at Jim’s death. I tried to purge them but I was unsuccessful and I have not been able to find peace. I do not believe there is anyone else who can help me to overcome this.”

“What emotions in particular trouble you now?” The ambassador leaned forward in his chair.

“I feel ashamed and disloyal that his death hurt me more than the destruction of Vulcan and the death of my mother. I am confused about the nature of friendship, I have observed it in others countless times yet I have never seen the loss of it trouble someone so. Especially since I have not lost it after all.”

“Jim Kirk is no ordinary man and yours will never be an ordinary friendship. In my life I have never come across two people that meant as much to each other as my Jim and I did.” The ambassador’s face changed slightly, still kind but now tainted with sadness. “You need not feel any shame. You grieved appropriately for the losses you experienced. Loss cannot be emotionally quantified or compared, it can only be felt. And the grief you experience is dependant on the feelings you allow yourself at the time. The magnitude of what you felt when Jim died does not discredit your feelings towards your people and your home. Certainly not towards your mother.”

Spock stayed silent for a few moments, trying to let the ambassador’s words sink in. “I avoided him and I am afraid I may have done irreparable damage to our friendship. It was not my intention but I was afraid of the emotions that I did not manage to free myself from, knowing that facing him would eventually amplify them to my detriment.”

“I do not claim to know your world, but my experience with your Jim has taught me that he is the same Jim that I knew, and there is nothing that you can do that he will not understand and forgive, if that is required.” The ambassador put his tea down and looked at Spock more intently than before. “This is your life, and I do not intend to interfere in your choices or convince you to follow a specific path. I have made my own choices and lived my life to the fullest, and I wish the same for you. But if you will indulge an old man, then please believe me when I say that you should not rid yourself of the feelings you have towards people that matter to you.” He paused, taking a sip of tea. “When I see everything you have achieved, when I see where you are and the people that surround you, I have no choice but to believe in some sort of fate. And I believe that yours, like mine, is intertwined with Jim Kirk’s.”

“I feel ashamed when I see him. I also feel grief and sadness, even though he is alive. I… behaved inappropriately after his death. I… I am considering pursuing Kolinahr before I return to duty. I will require additional personal time, which I believe will be granted—”

“Spock,” the Ambassador interrupted, stunning Spock, “Please accept that I do not say these next words lightly. Do not endeavour to renounce your human half. Not because you will fail, but because you will deprive yourself of remarkable experiences, the richness of which I can not begin to describe to you. And believe me when I say that your human side, no matter how much you suppress it, will always be aware that there is something missing.”

Spock was quiet, listening intently, and the ambassador proceeded.

“The Vulcan in you will be indispensable in your career and your life in general. It will be invaluable to Jim on the bridge. But… I urge you not to fight the human in you, it is possible to balance both. It is unfortunate that your human side has only surfaced in times of great sorrow, but I assure you that if you let it, it can bring you untold happiness.

“I know, with near certainty, that you have always allowed yourself feelings when it came to your mother. Do not let that side of you die with her. Whatever you are feeling – accept it, do not scrutinise and judge it. You may not get another opportunity like this.” The ambassador’s expression shifted from serious to unexpectedly serene. “There is a certain beauty, Spock, in the human ability so feel so very deeply and somehow carry on in spite of it.”

After that they sat in surprisingly comfortable silence, just drinking their tea, and then seamlessly moved onto a discussion about new Vulcan. Spock was not sure whether he got what he came for, but he would have to figure the rest out by himself.

The ambassador seemed to hesitate for a moment when they were saying their goodbyes.

“Jim needs you right now quite possibly as much as you need him. Your… absence did not go unnoticed.”

“May I infer that you saw him?”

“Yes, while he was in the hospital. That is why I came to Earth. He and I may not know each other that well but in another life he is an old friend, and I was concerned. I have stayed on hoping that you would contact me, and I am glad that you did so.”

“As am I Ambassador Spock. Thank you.”

“Do not be afraid of anything that brings you more happiness than pain. Take care and… send my regards to Jim when you see him.”

Spock lifted his handed and saluted the ambassador. “Live long and prosper.”

The ambassador lifted his hand and offered Spock another unabashed smile. “Good luck.”

\---

Spock arrived at his residence to a message from the ambassador. Earth coordinates and one word. ‘Jim’.

He packed another bag.

\---

Spock briefly entertained the thought of going to a transport terminal and sitting for a couple of hours looking out the window at the passing landscape, thinking about what he should say to Jim. But there was a reason the ambassador had given him coordinates instead of a street address, he would have far too much time to change his mind and turn around. There was another way, and no one would have to know.

Spock took out his communicator.

“Mr Scott.”

“Afternoon commander, how can I help you?” Scotty’s voice was as enthusiastic as ever.

“I believe you are still aboard the Enterprise overseeing repairs?”

“Indeed I am Mr Spock.”

“I require a favour and your discretion.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board for this chapter:
> 
> [Chapter 2](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150496474846/mood-board-for-chapter-2-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
>    
> Thank you to everyone who read Chapter 1 and commented and left kudos, you guys are awesome!
> 
> Next chapter in a few days and it's a bit lighter ;-)


	3. Chapter 3

Kirk sat on the veranda of the cabin and looked out onto the lake. He wondered whether this really was a good idea, being all alone in the middle of nowhere, with just his thoughts.

He had thought of asking Bones to join him, but the doctor had already spent every waking hour of the last four weeks at his side, and he had a life after all. Kirk knew how precious being on Earth was to Bones.

He begrudgingly sipped his synthesized coffee and tried to block out all his thoughts, listening to the water of the lake softly lapping at the shore and the rustling of the pine trees.

 _Who the fuck am I kidding_. He was going to go insane.

But he needed to be here. Those two weeks in the hospital had been suffocating. He barely had a moment to himself. He felt endless appreciation, of course, for the outpouring of love from literally every person he had ever known, but he needed solitude to reflect and to process what had happened to him. And heal, so he could get back out there. To his Enterprise. His crew. His…

As they did so often lately, his thoughts turned to Spock.

His absence the past two weeks gnawed at Kirk. After what happened, what he felt for Spock when he though he would never see him again, Kirk felt now like he’d lost something all the same. He was selfish in his last moments – he didn’t think about what impact his death would have on his friends and his crew, how they would mourn. Just all the things he would never get to experience with Spock. Kirk loved him – it didn’t matter in which capacity – and that’s all he wanted to tell Spock. He didn’t though, didn’t have enough breath in his lungs. So he smiled and thought it instead, hoped it showed in his eyes.

And then he woke up and Spock was there. Kirk was confused and surprised and grateful. And everyone fussed and poked and prodded but eventually Bones left him alone, and Spock was still there. And then there was nothing standing between them but thin air. That and a strange look in Spock’s eyes that didn’t quite reflect the one in Kirk’s, and that felt more impenetrable somehow than the airlock.

He didn’t know what to make of Spock’s dwindling presence since he’d woken up. Maybe Spock’s lack of emotion didn’t necessitate a reunion, Kirk was alive and it was only logical to proceed with life as before, no need to gush. As first officer Spock had a responsibility to ensure the well-being of his captain, but now his captain was well and there was no need for further supervision. Or maybe he did see through Kirk’s last smile, right into his soul, and he didn’t like what he found there.

\---

After being transported, Spock found himself on a dirt road in a relatively dense pine forest. There was a log cabin to his right and he could just make out the sparkling reflection of water through the trees surrounding it. Not being able to see any other structures around he made his way to the door and knocked. Nearly a full minute later the door opened a fraction and he saw, much to his relief, Jim’s familiar face.

“Spock!” Jim opened the door all the way, looking surprised but pleased to see him. “What are you doing here?”

“It is in Starfleet’s best interests that you are not alone during this time in your recovery.”

“Of course.” Jim was never any good at concealing his emotions and Spock noticed his smile wane ever so slightly. “Come in.”

“Thank you.”

Jim let Spock in and closed the door behind him. “I assume from the bag that you’ll be staying?”

“Affirmative, if that meets with your approval?”

“Of course Spock, it’ll be good to have you around.” Jim paused and his voice softened slightly “I missed you at the hospital.”

Spock hesitated, remembering his disappointing lack of response the last time that Jim spoke of missing him, right before this whole nightmare started. “I would have liked to visit more,” _really,_ “but I had matters to attend to.”

“Yeah I know, Science Academy stuff. I get it. Well you’re here now,” Jim smiled, “even if it is under orders.”

Spock felt a pang of guilt for deceiving his friend, on both counts. It was an easy fix, he could tell Jim that he was there because that’s exactly where he wanted to be, but he was nowhere near ready for that kind of admission.

“I brought this for you,” Spock said, holding out a shopping bag.

Jim took it and looked inside, finding six different bags of coffee beans. “Spock…”

“I was unaware of your preference. I hope you find at least one that is to your liking.”

Jim shoved his face into the bag, inhaling the blissful aroma. “Spock I could kiss you now. I’ve been drinking synthesized crap since yesterday.” His face changed into a mischievous smirk. “Was this Starfleet’s idea?”

“Negative.”

Jim’s face changed into the most genuine smile Spock thought he had ever seen. “Thank you Spock.”

Spock lifted the corners of his mouth as slightly as he knew how. “You are welcome Jim.”

\---

Kirk realised Spock was still holding his suitcase. “Let’s get you settled in. It’s not very big but I wasn’t planning on company.”

“I do not require much.”

“Of course you don’t.” Kirk led the way past the open plan kitchen into the living area. There was a small table with four chairs and beyond that two couches around the entertainment console. “I think one is a fold out couch, so I hope that’s okay for you. If not, we can swap and you can have the bed.”

“That won’t be necessary, I do not require—”

“Yeah I know, Vulcans don’t need sleep.”

“On the contrary—”

“Okay, don’t need as much sleep as humans.”

“Correct.”

“I’m beginning to regret letting you in Spock.” He wasn’t, but this was the first time in a long time that he’d been able to joke with Spock, so he wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip.

Kirk turned back around and led the way to the bedroom situated at the front of the cabin. There was a double bed across from the door, with windows behind and to the right. “You can leave your stuff in here, there isn’t anywhere to keep it by the couch. And the bathroom’s through there,” Kirk said, pointing at a door to the left of the bed. “Water shower, nothing fancy.”

“This is more than sufficient Jim.”

“Make yourself at home, freshen up or whatever, and come out on the veranda. There’s quite a view.” Kirk smiled and left Spock in the bedroom.

\---

Spock unpacked his bag, neatly hanging up or folding his clothing. He felt a slight blush creeping in when he opened the drawer containing Jim’s undergarments. He briefly considered putting his own alongside but that made his face feel even warmer so he opted for the next drawer down.

He freshened up and changed his shirt before going outside. The veranda consisted of raised wooden decking with railing most of the way around. There were steps on the far side leading down to a small clearing in the trees, about the width of the cabin, which provided an uninterrupted view of the lake – now shimmering in the late afternoon light. It was quite a view.

Jim was seated at one of the two chairs around a small round table, freshly brewed coffee in hand. Spock pulled out the other chair and sat across from him, also facing out towards the lake.

“What do you think Spock?”

“It is pleasing.”

“There’s nothing around for miles, it’s perfect.”

“I hope I have not interrupted your quest for solitude.”

“Not at all Spock, I really am happy that you’re here.” Jim took a sip of coffee and asked, “What’re you planning to do while you’re here?”

“I will carry on with my work for the Science Academy.”

“Just working then?”

“I brought my chess set, perhaps you would be keen to join me in a game on occasion?”

“Sounds great. Before you showed up my plan was to sit here all day and look at the view, so it’s a step up. After dinner maybe?”

“I would like that.”

\---

They sat for a while in silence, neither feeling the need to speak, both just enjoying the sunset and the other’s quiet company.

Kirk felt peaceful, like everything was finally falling back into place. Hospitals and warp core chambers felt like they were light years away. As did Spock’s absence, he was here after all. They would have to talk about it, about what happened, but not just yet. There was a sunset and good coffee and Spock was within arm’s reach. Kirk had to curb his insatiable need to reach out and place a hand on Spock, it wasn’t appropriate right now. Spock would raise an eyebrow and shoot him a questioning sideways glance. Later, he would find an excuse.

\---

Spock still wasn’t completely sure exactly how he’d landed up here, but it felt good to be near Jim. Just Jim. No doctors or nurses to remind him of what had happened. He would have to figure out all his emotions eventually, and deal with them. Maybe even let some of them stick around. But for now he was just going to let himself feel them. He understood now the ambassador’s words, about using this opportunity to do just that. He was alone in the middle of nowhere with Jim, the only person he would trust to see him vulnerable. He could stop suppressing everything for a bit.

So he enjoyed the calm and the pleasant warmth that Jim evoked in him.

When the sun went down they headed inside to eat, and then played a leisurely game of chess outside before retiring for the night.

\---

Kirk woke up a few hours after falling asleep to the sensation that there was someone else in the room. He lay dead still, not daring to open his eyes, until he remembered where he was – which was in a cabin by a lake, and not imprisoned aboard an enemy ship. He opened his eyes slowly and was almost disappointed to find himself alone in the bed. He turned over and something out of the ordinary caught his eye, something that looked like starlight reflecting off of silky black hair.

Spock was asleep, sitting on the floor with his head and arms resting on the bed by Kirk’s feet. Kirk’s confusion was quickly replaced by concern, because whatever had dragged the stoic Vulcan from his own bed and forced him to sleep sitting up by Kirk’s was obviously no small thing.

Kirk was all of a sudden acutely aware that whatever he had gone through, dying and being revived and then recovering, may not be all that significant compared to what those around him must have felt. Those that watched him die, and lived on to feel the pain. Those that were maybe not too experienced at feeling and dealing with pain.

He didn’t know what feeling brought Spock here in the middle of the night, and he didn’t know if Spock knew it himself, but he wanted to take back every quip he’d ever made about Spock’s lack of emotion. Because this is not what lack of emotion looked like.

Kirk knew better than to entertain the notion of waking Spock. He would be eternally mortified that Kirk had found him like this, and whatever process this was for Spock would be stopped dead in its tracks. So instead Kirk moved his leg towards the edge of the bed until he felt his ankle, through the blanket, connect with Spock’s hand.

When he woke up again, far too early, his eyes automatically moved to the edge of the bed. But Spock was gone. He heard the faint sound of the shower, and he let it lull him back to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 3](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150599977471/mood-board-for-chapter-3-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
>    
> Thanks again to everyone for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Spock sat on the veranda sipping his tea, and thought about how the most uncomfortable night in his recent past also happened to be the most peaceful. He hadn’t slept like that in over a month. He woke up unable to feel some parts of his body, and felt much older than his years when it took him a full minute to straighten his legs enough to stand, but he _slept_ for 6 continuous hours. Which any Vulcan would tell you is way above the requirement for their species.

Jim’s presence – proximity rather – seemed to be enough to curb his nightmares.

\---

After breakfast Spock settled back outside with his PADD to do some work. After some time Jim poked his head through the door.

“I’m going for a run. Wanna join me?”

“Thank you but I must decline this time. Is Doctor McCoy aware of your intention to resume exercise?”

“He said to wait a few days and I have. And now I’m going to run. Don’t work too hard.” With that Jim disappeared back inside and Spock heard the front door open and close, followed by Jim’s fading footsteps on the dirt road.

Spock did want to join him – it had been a good few days since he had done anything physically strenuous. But he knew Jim and his bordering-on-insane competitiveness, and that he would overdo it even if Spock ran only half as fast as he wanted. Maybe in a few days, when Jim was stronger.

Jim returned an hour later, sweaty and flushed and panting, and Spock looked up from his PADD to watch him as he moved through the house – resting against the door, drinking water in the kitchen, pulling up his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face.

_Beautiful_.

\---

While sitting outside during their evening chess game Kirk realised what it was that had been brewing at the back of his mind since Spock’s arrival.

“I meant to ask, is Uhura okay with you being here? I mean, she probably wanted to spend some of this time with you?”

“I do not believe Lieutenant Uhura is concerned with my whereabouts.”

“What do you mean? Did you guys break up?”

“Yes.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Spock.”

“There is no need to be, it was a mutual decision which I believe was for the best.”

“What happened? I mean, you guys seemed to be… you know… good?”

“I do not wish to go into the intricacies, but it suffices to say she felt her feelings towards me were not adequately requited.”

“Is that true? I thought you loved her?”

“It became apparent that it was not in the way that she desired.”

Kirk felt bad for his friend, even though Spock didn’t seem to be any worse off for it. But there was something else there, deep down and wrapped in layers of guilt and maybe conscience. Something that sent sparks shooting through Kirk that he had to fight very quickly and very hard to extinguish.

\---

That night Kirk awoke to the same scene as the previous night, except this time Spock’s hand was resting on top of his ankle.

He sighed and felt a pang in his heart.

It took him much longer this time to fall back asleep and the urge to pull Spock up on the bed and hold him was much harder to resist.

\---

Later that day, after hours of being preoccupied with Spock’s worrying nocturnal behaviour, Kirk received a call from Bones.

“Just reminding you, because I know you forgot, that I’m coming over tomorrow to check up on your health and have a drink. If your health checks out, you can join me.”

“I didn’t forget, but you might have to bring anything you don’t want synthesized.”

“Dammit Jim you better be eating properly, I only let you go live in the wilderness cause you promised to look after yourself!”

“I’m eating great Bones, Spock’s feeding me buckets of synthesized veg—”

“Spock?”

“Yes.”

“Pointy-eared robot—”

“Yes.”

“—is there with you?”

“Yes Bones, I thought you knew.”

“How the hell would I know that?”

“He said…” _He said that Starfleet sent him_.

“He said what Jim?”

“He just needed to get away from the city. I thought he might have told you.”

“Okay well I’m coming tomorrow in case you want a break from… whatever it is you guys are doing there. What do you even talk about all day? I mean—”

“Bye Bones. Remember beer.”

Bones grunted something which was supposed to mean goodbye and Kirk stood looking at his communicator for a long time after that.

_Why_ is _Spock here and why did he lie?_ Kirk knew it was too soon to ask but he couldn’t help feeling glad that for whatever reason, Spock was there of his own free will.

\---

That night when they were going to bed Kirk decided to try something. There was no way he was spending another night like the previous two.

He was already in bed with all the lights out when Spock walked out the bathroom, intent on going to the couch.

“Hey um...”

Spock stopped and turned towards Kirk.

“Do you wanna talk for a while?”

“Do you not wish to sleep?”

“Not yet. Tell me something.”

“What would you like me to tell you?” Spock moved closer to the bed.

“I don’t know Spock, anything.”

“You will need to be more specific Jim.”

“I know you know what I mean. Aaaah fine, tell me about the stuff you’re doing for the Science Academy.”

“You wish to discuss my work for New Vulcan?” Spock had his pleased-with-himself look that Kirk knew all too well by now.

“Jesus Spock, you are infuriating.” Kirk rubbed his forehead. “I know you’re doing this on purpose! Yes, tell me about your work.” He was starting to regret this act of kindness now that he had to practically beg Spock to play along.

“Very well then.”

Spock moved to stand right by the bed, and Kirk, huffing and still visibly annoyed, moved to the centre so Spock could sit on the edge.

“As you know there is a lot of data that is still being retrieved from various sources on other planets, and this needs to be organised and collated. I am assisting with that.”

One sentence from Spock in his subdued and gentle tone made the frown on Kirk’s face disappear. “Is it interesting?”

“Sometimes. I am also creating some learning material for schools on New Vulcan.”

“Is it full of no-win scenarios?” Kirk had to put effort into not smiling.

Spock shot Kirk an offended stare.

“I’m kidding Spock, I’m sure you make a great teacher.”

“As a matter of fact I do.”

“Okay tell me about something else.”

Spock stopped being infuriating and complied, telling Kirk about the progress on New Vulcan.

At some point Kirk moved slightly further away, creating a bit more space for Spock. “Lie down, it feels weird with you towering over me.”

Spock was so engrossed in his story he didn’t have time to form an adequate objection, so he complied again. He lay down on his back, arms folded neatly on his stomach. Kirk lay on his side, facing Spock.

Spock proceeded with his story, describing in great detail the steps being taken to restore the Vulcan culture. Jim was genuinely fascinated, not only by the content but by how passionately Spock spoke of it, in his own subdued way. This caused him to be quite disappointed when he felt like he was dozing off, even though that had sort of been the point of all this.

“Spock,” Kirk almost whispered.

Spock turned towards him and Kirk mumbled, his eyes closed, “I’m falling asleep.”

“I shall leave you then.”

Spock started to get up but Kirk reached out and placed a hand on Spock’s arm. “Stay.”

“Jim I hardly—”

“Spock just stay.”

Kirk only withdrew his hand once he felt Spock relax and reach for the blanket in order to climb underneath.

\---

Spock lay awake for a good hour after that, not daring to move for some reason unbeknownst to him. When he started to feel more relaxed he turned to his left to sneak a look at Jim’s sleeping form. He thought briefly about the last time he had watched Jim like this (well almost like this, because sleeping was not quite the same as unconscious), and had to control the emotions that surfaced. He remembered the ambassador’s advice, to embrace the good feelings, so he decided to try and focus on those. There were plenty.

And Jim’s hand had felt really good on his arm. Spock missed the touching, he could probably admit that now. It used to be irritating, invasive even, but now he longed for it.

Spock tried not to think about how this had happened, how he was lying here instead of sitting awkwardly on the floor like the previous two nights. How he’d agreed to this so easily, not even trying to put up a fight. The thought that Jim had caught him and somehow planned this filled him with dread but also put a warm glow in his chest. He decided to focus on the warm glow until he fell asleep.

\---

Kirk woke up much too early again. He heard the shower before he even opened his eyes, so he was not surprised to see that he was alone in the bed. He reached his hand out to where Spock had been lying the previous night and was relieved and incredibly pleased to find it was still warm. _He stayed_. Kirk smiled and kept his hand there, absentmindedly stroking the sheets with his thumb. He wanted to move to that spot, feel the warmth surround him, bury his face in the pillow that probably still smelled like Spock. _Dammit Jim_.

He didn’t want this blissful contentment to end so he fought sleep, listening to the sounds from the other room and enjoying the slowly-fading warmth on his hand. Spock exited the bathroom with a cloud of steam in his wake, fully dressed but hair still wet and skin flushed and glowing. Kirk watched him, feeling only slightly voyeuristic, as Spock silently made his way around the room in the early morning light.

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

Spock turned and walked up to the bed, sitting down before he spoke.

“Jim I apologise if my activities interrupted your sleep, I will endeavour to be more quiet.”

“No, you didn’t wake me.” Kirk smiled and asked, “How did you sleep?”

“Adequately, and you?”

“Adequately?” Kirk laughed and Spock unexpectedly moved his hand from his lap, placing it on the blanket to rest on top of Kirk’s.

“I slept well.”

“I’m glad Spock.” Kirk didn’t want the warmth enveloping his hand to go away. “I forgot to tell you, Bones is coming over later to check me out. He’ll probably stay for dinner as well.”

“It will be good to see him.” Spock looked down to where their hands rested, separated by the blanket. “I am going to meditate. You should attempt to sleep some more – it is still very early.”

“Okay.” Kirk smiled contently and Spock stood up, gently sliding his hand off. Kirk focused on the tingling in his hand until he fell back asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 4](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150735236286/mood-board-for-chapter-4-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
>    
> Have a look!
> 
> So because this is a slowish chapter I promise to get the next one up by Friday :) It's a bit more... exciting.  
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Shortly after lunch there was a knock at the door. Kirk let Bones in and after everyone exchanged greetings they made their way into the bedroom to get the physical out the way.

“Nice place,” Bones commented, removing a scanner from his kit. “Bit cramped, where does Spock sleep?”

Kirk didn’t hesitate for even a second. “In the lounge, one of the couches folds out. He doesn’t really sleep much anyway.”

“What do you guys do all day?”

“I dunno, regular stuff. Spock works a lot. I relax, read. We play chess.”

“I’d comment about how thrilling that sounds but in this case it’s just what you need. How are you doing?”

“I’m better, good. This place is good for me.”

“Well you seem better, but I’m gonna have to keep checking up on you.”

“You’re welcome here as long as you bring booze and keep the business part of it to under five minutes.”

“Well, you passed this time,” Bones said, putting his scanner away. “Let’s go get that beer.”

They passed Spock on their way outside. “Come join us Spock,” Bones said.

“Thank you but I intend to go for a run.” Spock looked from Bones to Kirk. “Perhaps when I return.”

Kirk and Bones sat and drank and talked, Kirk pacing himself with the beer. Partly because Bones was probably keeping a tally, and partly because after he left Kirk would be stuck in a lakeside cabin with Spock, and he couldn’t really afford for his inhibitions to be lowered.

“I’m gonna say something,” Bones started, leaning forward in his chair and looking unexpectedly serious, “and you’re never going to mention it again.”

Kirk took a sip of beer. “Okay...”

“Spock, uh… just…” Bones looked visibly uncomfortable at this stage. “Uhh… look out for him, will you?”

Kirk put on his best smirk. “Damn Bones, I had no idea—”

“Dammit Jim, I’m being serious.”

Kirk mouthed a ‘sorry’ and leaned back in his chair.

“Jim you’re my best friend. When all this shit happened it was hard, I broke down… all of us did.” Bones took a big sip. “But Spock, he… that was something else.” Bones shook his head. “He… lost it. Completely. I’ve never seen anyone… react like that.”

This hit Kirk in much the same way as finding Spock sleeping by his bed in the middle of the night, but much harder. He looked down at his own hands fidgeting with the bottle.

“Jim a year ago I saw him lose almost everything he’s ever known and loved. But this was _worse_.” Bones sighed. “Look I know I find him mildly irritating on a good day, but he went though something and, dammit, I’m just worried about him.”

Kirk wanted to cry or scream or kick something, but mostly just to wrap his arms around Spock and stay like until everything else went away. “I’ll look out for him Bones, don’t worry.”

“I’m not. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Get us another beer will you?”

Kirk was on his way to the kitchen when Spock walked in the front door, returning from his run. He was flushed and breathing heavier than usual, his hair wind-swept — but still graceful and completely the opposite of what Kirk imagined he himself looked like after a run. Kirk gripped the empty bottles tighter, like it would reduce the urge to run to Spock and hold him like he wanted to.

“How was your run Spock?”

“It was satisfactory.”

They walked into the kitchen together, Spock pouring himself a glass of water and Kirk getting two more beers. Spock closed his eyes as he leaned against the counter and drank, and Kirk couldn’t help but watch him. Specifically the stray drop of water that ran down his chin and then further down his neck before disappearing under the collar of his t-shirt.

Kirk snapped out of it and turned to make his way back outside. “Grab a beer and join us when you’re done.”

“Thank you, I will,” Spock replied.

Kirk sat back down but he didn’t really hear anything Bones said for the next few seconds because he couldn’t stop thinking about the exact way in which water was going to run down Spock’s naked body in the shower.

Kirk was getting annoyed by his constant oscillating urges to either comfort Spock or rip his clothes off. This particular combination wasn’t something Kirk was too familiar with. Comforting was for friends and ripping clothes off was for sexual conquests, which in Kirk’s case – at least since the academy – were very rare one night stands on shore leave.

Shortly after Kirk had managed to refocus on Bones and reality in general, Spock came outside carrying a chair and a beer.

\---

Spock placed his chair between Jim and McCoy and sat down.

McCoy looked genuinely surprised. “Spock I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you drink before! Should I be worried?”

“It does not affect Vulcans the same way it does humans, so you have nothing to fear Doctor.” Spock tried to look reassuring. “I am simply partaking in the experience.”

“I don’t know whether that makes me sad or relieved. Cheers.”

Spock was not being entirely honest. While it was true that Vulcans were spared the ill-effects of alcohol, Spock’s human side was a complete lightweight, as he had discovered on previous occasions. He figured the combination of the two should not leave him worse off than his human companions.

\---

Two beers later the trio headed inside and Spock and Jim proceeded to the kitchen to get dinner ready. It would be synthesized but Bones felt safer somehow with Spock monitoring the situation. Jim needed to eat properly if he wanted to get back to full health. Bones settled down on the couch and wondered how even the most spartan of Vulcans managed to sleep on something like this. Upon closer inspection of the couches he noticed that neither of them appeared to be the type that folded out.

\---

They ate dinner at the table inside, Spock once again seated between Jim and McCoy. The dinner table was small and they were slightly cramped, so Spock didn’t think much of it when Jim pushed his chair in and his knee bumped into Spock’s. The alcohol had left Spock with a pleasant calming hum and maybe feeling a touch more brazen, so he left his leg where it was, and so did Jim. The rest of the dinner was spent focusing on the square inch of him that was connected to the human. Eventually it started to seem that they were doing everything in their power to keep that bit of contact, maybe because losing it would mean admitting it was there to begin with.

They separated only when McCoy got up to leave, prompting them to do the same. Spock cleared up while Jim walked McCoy outside and escorted him to his transport. Then he made his way outside and proceeded to set up the chess board. He was almost done when Jim appeared with a fresh beer.

“I thought you may like to play.”

“Bring it on Spock.”

\---

Halfway though their game Kirk finished the last sip of his beer and, still holding the bottle in his left hand, threw it with impeccable aim into the wastebasket in the corner of the veranda.

Spock looked at him with a touch of amusement. “It appears you are very good at that.”

“There are many things,” Kirk paused ever so slightly, decisively shifting his gaze from the basket to Spock, “that I am very, _very_ good at.”

“Is that so?” Spock asked, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows ever so slightly. Kirk was trying so hard to look Spock in the eyes and not let him gaze drift lower, but he could swear he saw the Vulcan’s bottom lip twitch, maybe like he was resisting the urge to bite it. Maybe Kirk imagined it. “What sort of things, Captain?”

“Maybe, Mr Spock, one day I can show you.”

_What the actual, actual fuck am I fucking saying???_ Jim felt blood flowing to all the wrong places, one of which was his face. He maintained his smile and casually got up to go get another beer. Of course. Not to just barely make it inside because his legs were weak and he was shaking and the only thing running through his head was _whathefuuuuuuck._

Flirting was Kirk’s preferred method of communication at least 60% of the time. He flirted with everyone – his friends, Bones, strangers, pretty girls, pretty boys, admirals, ambassadors, attachés, and sometimes even Spock. But not like this, not with Spock like this.

_One day I can show you???? Seriously? Jesus._

But Spock did ask. Spock knew what he was asking. He fucking knew, despite his questionable and convenient Vulcan oblivion, that Jim was not talking about his fucking rock climbing skills or his exceptional prowess at mental arithmetic.

Kirk steadied himself on the kitchen counter and breathed in and out and thought about rock climbing until the uncomfortable bulge in his pants subsided. Then he got a tumbler and poured an absurd amount of the whisky Bones had brought into it. Not enough to get him smashed, but enough to make it very evident to Spock that he was drinking a lot of alcohol. That way if Kirk said anymore crap he could have something to blame, and hopefully a chance to not remember it.

\---

Spock did know exactly what he was asking. What he was possibly asking _for._

He found that over the last few days he was increasingly reacting instinctively to situations, rather that formulating a logical response. He reasoned that is was clearly a side effect of letting his barriers down and immersing himself in emotion.

He didn’t mean to push, but he did mean to flirt right back. He could, he knew how, and he knew which of Jim’s buttons to press. ‘Captain’ had been a particularly nice touch. He would have been proud of himself if he didn’t now feel like his insides were on fire and he couldn’t breathe normally, or at least without thinking about it.

Thankfully Jim took an irrationally long time to get another drink and Spock’s breathing was back on autopilot by the time Jim returned.

“I believe I was kicking your ass at chess,” Jim said, setting down a very full glass of whisky.

“I am familiar with the colloquialism, but perhaps I have misunderstood its meaning.”

Jim smiled, but avoided eye contact. “Shut up and play.” Spock was glad about the eye contact, he didn’t want to have to think about breathing again.

The rest of their game was uneventful. Jim was slowly but surely getting quite drunk (it seemed that his tolerance had drastically decreased in the last month or so), and it was taking him longer and longer to make a move. Spock didn’t rush him. Just sat, slightly amused, listening to the sounds of the night around them.

“Spock.”

“Yes Jim.”

“I’m pretty drunk.”

Spock struggled to keep the corners of his mouth from lifting slightly as he looked at Jim. “I am aware.”

“I don’t think I can finish this game.”

“I believe we should get you to bed then.”

Jim flashed his mischievous smile again. “You gonna tuck me in?”

_If you behave yourself._ Spock managed to bite his tongue, but again he felt the fire from before, licking his insides and threatening to overwhelm him. He stood up and attempted to focus on the task at hand.

“Do you require assistance?”

“I’m fine.” Jim was clearly disappointed at his failure to engage Spock this time.

He stood up, shakily but on his own.

“I will get you some water, you should drink as much as you can.” With that Spock made his way into the kitchen, paying attention to the sounds of Jim’s footsteps behind him, ready to turn around and catch him if need be. Obviously not paying enough attention though, because when he reached the far end of the kitchen and turned around Jim was right in front of him.

“Spock…”

Spock felt faintly paralysed at the unexpected proximity, but he somehow managed a ‘Yes’.

Jim stepped forward and wound his arms around Spock’s shoulders, burying his face into Spock’s neck. Spock’s hands hung uselessly at his sides for a few moments until he managed to regain their control and put them cautiously on Jim’s lower back.

“Spock I missed you. I needed you. So bad.”

“Jim—”

“I know, I know. You don’t have to say anything. I’m just glad you’re here now.”

Spock felt slightly braver knowing Jim would probably not remember this tomorrow. “I am too.”

Jim’s arms tightened around him and then Spock blocked out the entire universe. There was just the feel of Jim pressed against him, his cool breath on Spock’s neck, and the thrum of Spock’s own heartbeat echoing in his head.

“Spock you are so fucking hot. Shit— I mean, your body— physically—” Jim started pulling away. “Fuck— I mean— you know what I mean?”

“If you are referring to my body temperature then yes, I know what you mean.” Spock moved his hands away from Jim’s body. “It is higher than yours, a fact I know you are aware of.”

“Yeah I’ve just never felt it— so much of you— before.” Jim pulled away, giggling, and Spock did not miss the blush spreading across his face or the almost silent ‘fuck’ that he muttered.

Jim stepped backwards and Spock finally managed to pour that glass of water, shoving it at him. Jim finished it and turned around to make his way to the bedroom. Spock watched him, unable to look away.

He stood silently until the sounds coming from the bedroom stopped and he was sure Jim was now in bed and hopefully passed out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 5](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150823423826/mood-board-for-chapter-5-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
>    
>   
> Thanks again for reading! I really appreciate all the kudos and comments, you guys are all amazing :)


	6. Chapter 6

The rain started when Kirk was a few minutes away from the cabin, returning from his run, and he was drenched by the time he reached the front door. He scanned the lounge and veranda but Spock wasn’t there. When Kirk didn’t find him in the bedroom he went back into the lounge. He noticed Spock’s mug of tea standing on the table outside so he followed the trail.

He stepped outside and the sight that greeted him was mesmerizing.

Spock was standing in the clearing, soaking wet, arms at his sides and his face angled upwards. Kirk’s concern for what his friend was doing was completely overshadowed by his need to commit to memory the way that Spock’s wet clothes clung to his body. _Fucking perfect_.

Kirk felt a dangerous ache beginning to build so he snapped himself out of it and walked down to where Spock was standing. He stood right next to Spock and looked at his friend’s face. “Spock what are you doing?”

Spock replied without opening his eyes, “I have missed this.”

“You missed getting rained on?”

“No. Just the rain.”

“Did it rain much on Vulcan?”

“I lived on earth during my time at the academy.”

“So you miss your academy days?” Kirk knew he was babbling but it seemed to be making the ache go away.

Spock opened his eyes, squinting to stop the rain getting in, and turned his face towards Kirk. “Jim I do not intend to analyse this right now.” He turned his head back and closed his eyes again. “I simply wish to enjoy this feeling.”

Kirk took a moment to sneak a glance at Spock’s beautifully defined form up close before turning towards the lake and shifting his weight to the other foot, so that his forearm was now right against Spock’s. The backs of their hands were touching almost imperceptibly, connected by the drops of water running between them.

They stood for a few more minutes before Spock broke the silence. “I am going to shower.” He turned to go and as he did, Kirk felt the back of Spock’s hand dragging very perceptibly, and completely gratuitously, across his.

Kirk remained motionless and turned to look only once he heard that Spock had ascended the stairs. And he really shouldn’t have looked.

Spock stopped just outside the door and proceeded to undress. He peeled off his shirt and Kirk watched, enthralled by the tensing of the muscles in his back. Spock proceeded to bend down to remove the pants that were stuck tight to his body and Kirk could not look away from his perfectly formed legs. He thanked the universe that Spock left his trunks on, but that didn’t stop Kirk getting a visual of just how perfect, _fucking perfect_ , his ass was.

Kirk’s eyes started burning and he realised they were full of rainwater because he’d stopped blinking. He wiped the water off his face and resisted the urge to bite down hard on his hand. That scene was not for Kirk’s benefit, he knew that, Spock was merely being Vulcanly about not getting water inside the house. But that didn’t help anything.

Kirk clambered up the stairs and stopped next to the pile of clothes Spock had left behind. Trying to distract himself from what had just happened, and the ache that was evidently back now, he started wondering whether Spock had to fight the urge to fold his clothes before throwing them on the floor. That would have definitely prolonged that scene a bit. _Dammit Jim_.

Kirk removed his clothing, only because Spock would be pissed if he got water everywhere after his own noble efforts, and waited outside by the open door until he heard that Spock was out of the shower. He gave Spock another few minutes to get dressed and then went inside, carrying his pile of clothes in front of him, which he hoped looked relatively inconspicuous.

He passed Spock silently in the bedroom, avoiding eye contact, and let out a deep breath when he was finally behind the sanctity of the bathroom door. He dropped his wet clothes in the corner, pulled off his boxers and climbed into the shower. Kirk willed the hot water to wash away all the filth in his mind but all it did was remind him how Spock had just been in there, completely naked, water running down that perfect body. Just like he’d been imagining the previous day.

He fought it as long as he could, knowing he was going to lose in the end, but eventually the ache overpowered him. He closed his eyes and ran his hand down his stomach, pausing indecisively at his hip, and then grabbed his cock and stroked it quickly and carelessly. He tried to shut his eyes tighter, like it might help him focus better on that image of Spock, almost naked and soaking wet. And how hot Spock’s body had felt when Jim was pressing himself against it in the kitchen last night. How soft the skin of his neck had been against Kirk’s lips. _Fuck_. He’d been so close to running his lips along that skin. Running them up that neck to pause just under Spock’s jaw, and tasting his skin right there.

Kirk came so hard he grabbed onto the wall and dropped down to his knees, hand reaching his mouth just a second too late to cover up the groan.

When the waves of pleasure subsided, relief washed over him. He felt like he could finally think straight. It had been a long time since his last sexual encounter, even with himself. Being dead and then unconscious didn’t help, and a hospital bed didn’t exactly get him aroused.

\---

Spock sat on the couch, hot cup of tea in hand, waiting for nothing in particular. When Jim finally walked out the bedroom Spock noticed that he looked relaxed and a bit flushed, which was easily explained by a hot shower and the preceding run. He would pretend it had nothing to do with a stifled groan he heard that made Spock feel like he needed to go stand out in the cold rain again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 6](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/150914643936/mood-board-for-chapter-6-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
> I really hope someone likes these because I love making them, even though they are starting to take more time than writing ;)
> 
>  
> 
> This is a shortish chapter but more soon, I promise!


	7. Chapter 7

Later that day, after they finished lunch and Kirk had some time to enjoy his new-found mental clarity, his mind drifted back to the issue of Spock’s unannounced arrival. He decided that maybe four nights of sleeping (at least partially) in the same bed gave him enough rapport with Spock to confront him.

He went outside and found Spock standing at the top of the stairs, looking out over the lake as the last drops of rain fell from a now-clearing sky. Kirk’s years of experience in diplomacy led him to reason that the most non-confrontational stance in this case was next to Spock, so he walked up and stood a few inches away, for good measure. Although that was probably unnecessary considering he was perfectly composed after his shower.

“I thought Vulcans didn’t lie.”

“They do not.”

“But half-Vulcans do?” Kirk tried to sound as unaccusing as possible.

Spock turned to look at Kirk, his expression mildly amused. “I do not believe I have lied to you.”

“You said that Starfleet sent you here.”

“That is incorrect, I merely said that it is in Starfleet’s best interests that I am here. I believe that is true.”

Kirk couldn’t help it any more and he turned fully towards Spock. “Why didn’t you just tell me why you were here?”

Spock turned to mirror his stance. “I do not know,” he replied, shaking his head softly.

“Do you want to tell me now?”

“No.” Spock looked away for a second.

Kirk knew he shouldn’t push any further, even this level of inquiry was probably torture for Spock. “Spock, I just want you to remember that I’m your friend, and you can tell me anything.”

“Thank you Jim.”

Kirk flexed his hands at his sides, anxiety and anticipation rising from his feet and creeping up his body. Before it had a chance to paralyze him he stepped forward and embraced Spock. He tried to make it as platonic as he could, now that he was sober and responsible for his actions. One arm wrapped around Spock’s waist and the other around his shoulders, none of the lustful hanging-on-his-neck like last night. Kirk consciously tried to keep his cheek from touching Spock’s bare skin, always conscious that Spock could sense things more strongly from that kind of contact. But he was still close enough to feel the enticing heat radiating from the Vulcan’s neck.

This is what Kirk had wanted all along. Just embracing, holding Spock comfortingly, thinking good happy thoughts. Hoping Spock felt them through the contact. Just relishing the connection and warmth and friendship. And also Spock’s arms that were slowly finding their way to his body. Spock’s hot hands on his back, undeniable and firm, not barely there and cautious like last night. Spock’s head tipping down as he relaxed into the embrace, his hot mouth now on Kirk’s shoulder separated by only thin but maddening fabric.

_It’s okay_. It wasn’t sexual at all.

Until, for Kirk at least, it was. Until one of Spock’s hands finally found its way to the top of Kirk’s back and a finger grazed just above the top of his t-shirt, and Kirk finally pressed his cheek into Spock’s neck and felt sparks. And then his mind went blank and he moved his head back, dragged his cheek along Spock’s until the corners of their mouths were touching and the sparks turned to fireworks.

And then Spock froze. _Dammit Jim_.

\---

Spock froze because he forgot how to breathe again. His hands tensed up and lifted, hovering just above Jim’s body. Jim pulled back, Spock moving his hands down to his sides, and then Jim stepped away.

“Shit I’m sorry Spock, I’m just—”

“There is no need to apologise Jim. Please.” The last thing Spock wanted was for Jim to feel like he did something wrong. That wasn’t it at all. Spock didn’t want it to stop, he wanted to feel more of Jim’s mouth on his, more of his cool skin on his. He just forgot how to breathe, that’s all.

Spock didn’t know what to do, he desperately didn’t want this to turn somehow into something else, something that didn’t feel this good. So he did what Jim would have done, what Jim would understand. He reached out and wrapped a hand around Jim’s wrist, and waited until Jim’s gaze came back to him.

“Perhaps we should have dinner now, if you are hungry.”

“Yeah sure Spock, I could eat.” Jim smiled, but the worry didn’t seem to fade from his expression.

Spock removed his hand and followed Jim into the kitchen.

It was awkward at first, shuffling around in the kitchen, less coordinated than they’d ever been before. Spock could tell Jim was trying his hardest to not accidentally touch him. But it got better. They managed. By the time they finished eating at the too-small table inside the conversation was flowing and Jim’s expression was relaxed. They headed outside for a chess game and by then they were back to laughing. Well Jim was back to laughing and Spock was consciously putting less effort into restraining his almost-smiles.

When Jim won the game and Spock realised it was time for bed he felt a nervous anticipation growing inside. He had a whole night to lie in bed just inches from Jim. Maybe he’d lie just a bit closer and maybe Jim would toss and turn in his sleep and maybe press his knee into Spock’s thigh or rest his hand against Spock’s side. Accidentally of course.

Jim went first and when Spock got into bed Jim was on his stomach, head turned away, blanket reaching up to his waist. Spock lay on his side facing him, studying what he could make out of Jim’s naked back in the faint light that entered through the windows.

All of a sudden he couldn’t wait for sleep and the off chance of sweet inadvertent touches. It was dark and no one could see the fear in his eyes and the hesitation in his movements.

He felt braver in the dark. There was no thinking or talking, there was just feeling. And doing.

He reached his hand out and – as softly as he could – placed his fingers at the top of Jim’s shoulder blade. Jim shuddered but Spock swallowed down the trepidation and ran the tips of his fingers slowly down Jim’s back, pausing at his waist. Jim lifted himself off the bed enough to turn his head towards Spock and they stayed still for seconds just looking at each other, trying to read each other’s eyes in the near-dark.

Spock ran his fingers back up to the top and Jim closed his eyes, lips parting to exhale.

“Fuck Spock…”

Spock swallowed again. “Does that feel good?”

Jim drew out the word longer than necessary, “Yes.”

\---

It was beautiful excruciating torture for Kirk. He was well-versed in taking things slow, maybe over a couple of hours, at his own pace. In control. But this was not the same. He had no control here. One hurried move and Spock would recoil.

And Kirk saw it, how it would be. Long nights like this, long nights of small steps and making sure Spock was good at every one of those steps.

But it was so good. _So fucking good_. He would endure this forever if that’s what it took. If it meant Spock’s hot fingertips on his skin every night and nothing more he would take that until the end of time.

Spock brushed his fingers down to Kirk’s waist again. Kirk clutched at his pillow with the hand Spock couldn’t see and directed all his want and need into that grip.

“Spock…”

\---

Spock’s fingers trailed off Jim’s back and he rested his hand close to his body, trying to keep his breathing even and calm. To no avail. Even though it didn’t matter, Jim was breathing so loud and heavy it would drown out any noise Spock could possibly make.

This wasn’t enough though. He wanted to push more. Push some more buttons and throw more fuel in the fire that was already suffocating him. The burn that paralyzed him during the day, away from the sanctuary of the bed and the darkness, pulled him in now and he wanted to give in to it.

So he whispered, “Jim…”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Earlier.” Spock swallowed again. “What you were going to do earlier…” Again. “I wanted—”

He was cut off by Jim shifting closer and leaning on his side right next to him, his face so close Spock could feel his breath. Spock reacted by rolling onto his back.

“Tell me?” Kirk tried to whisper is as innocently as he could, didn’t want to push Spock any further out of his comfort zone.

“I want to know what you were going to do.” Swallow. “Before you stopped.”

\---

Kirk wanted to reach a hand out and cup Spock’s jaw, run his thumb along Spock’s bottom lip, slip it inside just a touch to where it was wet and hot. _Slow, remember?_

He kept his hands to himself. He leaned down until his lips hovered over Spock’s. He meant to stay like that for a while longer, to savour the sweet anticipation of the moment. But he couldn’t, Spock was too close and one look at his mouth and his lips that were parting and maybe even trembling sent Kirk the rest of the way down. He pressed his lips to Spock’s in the gentlest way he could manage and kissed him, just for a moment, before pulling away. Maybe he would have stayed longer, but Spock wasn’t exactly pulling him back down. And maybe he should lie back down before he loses it completely and pins Spock to the bed and kisses and bites and licks every inch of that hot Vulcan skin. _Fuck Jim._

Kirk took consolation in the fact that Spock seemed about as out of breath as he was. Spock looked equal parts terrified and aroused and Kirk had to distance himself pretty quickly while he still had some resolve left in him.

His last bit of resolve was used to whisper, “Goodnight Spock.”

\---

“Goodnight Jim.”

Spock felt like everything inside him was bursting and he had no idea how to contain it. He was struggling just to lie still. He wanted to get up and jump around and scream at the top of his lungs. And kiss Jim again. More. Properly. Feel Jim’s tongue alongside his own and Jim’s hands on his skin.

Spock lay and thought about how that short, chaste, over-too-soon kiss was the best he’s ever had. _Because it was Jim._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 7](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151061669361/mood-board-for-chapter-7-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for reading :)


	8. Chapter 8

The following day was a blur for Spock. He wasn’t really present or paying attention, mostly just wishing the day away. Waiting for the darkness and the safe cover of night and Jim inches away from him in the bed. Their bed.

Kirk tried to carry on as normal. He could tell Spock was back to his usual reserved self and probably not in the mood for Kirk’s mischief. But Kirk hoped with all his heart that he would be again by the time it was dark and the stars were out and they were lying in bed together.

For the most part they were proceeding as if nothing had happened. Spock worked and Jim read and they went for a run together, Spock pacing himself and letting Jim run half a step ahead.

There was only a touch of awkwardness when they got back and both insisted on the other showering first. Kirk gave in and went ahead. Partly because he needed it more and partly because he was starting to blush thinking about the whole predicament and he was sure Spock would see it stain his face an even deeper shade of red.

Kirk considered getting off in the shower but he knew Spock was waiting his turn and this made him feel simultaneously embarrassed and aroused as fuck. In the end he left it but decided that the next time they ran together he would insist that Spock shower first.

\---

Finally, _fucking finally_ , it was dark and they were sitting outside with only a chessboard between them. And soon that would be gone too.

Kirk wanted the game to be over already but at the same time the fluttering in his stomach was making his hands sweat, and he thought maybe he shouldn’t rush his moves.

“There’s store about a mile from here,” Kirk said. “Maybe we could take a walk there tomorrow, get some real food?”

“I would like that.”

“I don’t think I’ve had a cooked meal since the hospital.”

Spock let out what was definitely a chuckle. “I am not sure that qualifies.”

Kirk smiled and blanked out for a few moments while he stared at Spock, mesmerized by the smile that completely changed his whole face. He’d seen Spock smile before — albeit rarely, and when there was no one else around. But this was so pure and genuine and unrestrained and Spock was so unbelievably beautiful. And Kirk decided maybe he should rush the game after all.

And then everything was a bit of a blur for Kirk because he kept sneaking glances at Spock’s lips long after his smile had gone, and he could feel his own tingling and he hoped they knew something he didn’t. Kirk lost the game, probably because of Spock’s lips, and he offered to put the set away while Spock got ready for bed.

And that was maybe a bad move because when Kirk was getting into bed Spock was already in it, and Kirk didn’t know how close to lie or which way to face or what he should do to make sure that Spock wanted to touch him again. Was it too intimidating to lie facing Spock? Was it too dismissive to face away? _Captain of the USS fucking Enterprise here. Jesus_.

Eventually he lay on his back, just like Spock, a modest distance away. And then nothing was happening. Maybe that was okay because it had only been a few seconds but it felt like Kirk’s heart had already done a thousand beats in that space, so his perception of time might have been off.

It was dead quiet and Kirk heard Spock swallow and he figured that was maybe the only cue he was going to get. So he turned his head towards Spock, who was already facing him, and he could swear, even in the near-dark, that Spock’s lips parted and if ever there was an invitation, that was it.

Kirk rolled onto his side and he decided tonight he wouldn’t keep his hands to himself, and placed one on Spock’s chest, thumb resting on his collarbone. Spock’s eyes were fixated on his but when they strayed down to his lips Kirk’s stomach flipped and he leaned down and kissed. Soft, like last night, but then he did it again. And again. And then he felt Spock’s tongue against his lips and his breath caught in his throat but he opened his mouth and kissed Spock properly and thoroughly. Spock let out a little humming noise and Kirk thought that was probably the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

\---

Spock felt even braver with Jim’s tongue in his mouth, or maybe he was just beyond self-restraint, and he wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him closer. Through their touch he felt the emotions Jim was experiencing and for the first time in this kind of situation it didn’t feel alien, because he felt the same. Spock always reasoned that his Vulcan half prevented him from experiencing desire and pleasure and satisfaction with human intensity. Turns out the thing that prevented him was that everyone else wasn’t Jim.

After a particularly languid stroke of his tongue, Jim pulled away and Spock instinctively wanted to lift his head after him. Spock didn’t have time to be disappointed though because a second later Jim’s mouth and tongue were on Spock’s neck and he let out another traitorous noise.

\---

Spock’s little noises and the softness of his skin were driving Kirk insane and he figured he could do this for another minute, two at most, before things got out of hand. So he left Spock’s neck and kissed up his jaw back to those lips and that scorching hot mouth. And it was so willing and welcoming that Kirk didn’t know how he was going to stop himself.

But then Spock’s arms slowly unwrapped themselves from Kirk, and he figured it was probably a good time to stop. Kirk trailed off with a few soft kisses, much the same way he had started, and lay back down. Closer to Spock this time, so their arms were touching.

Kirk wanted to talk, wanted to say something but he felt like he’d forgotten how to arrange words together.

\---

Spock had felt Jim’s hesitation, apprehension maybe. Along with his overpowering desire. He knew they were on the edge of more and Spock felt brave but not brave enough to let Jim pull him under. Not tonight. But it was okay because they had all the time in the world and Jim was still there, right next to him. So Spock moved his hand until the back of it was touching Jim’s.

“Goodnight Jim.”

“Night Spock.”

Needless to say, neither of them slept for a while after that.

\---

Spock woke up early as usual, but instead of getting up straight away he turned towards Jim. Peaceful sleeping Jim was a sight to behold. Spock tried to take in every curve and plane. Every freckle that wasn’t covered by the blanket, every strand of messed up hair that caught the early morning light.

Spock hoped that soon there would be a day when he could wake up like this and crawl closer to Jim and kiss his shoulder blade or the back of his neck. And Jim would lean into it and make some sort of endearing noise before curling in on himself and sleeping a while longer.

It didn’t matter what this was because it was just _good_. It felt good in every way Spock could possibly imagine and in some he didn’t even understand. He though about how one week ago he’d woken up alone and hurt and miserable and so far from home. It felt like another life and an entire lifetime ago. And this wasn’t home either but waking up with Jim felt like it. Jim could be home.

\---

Kirk’s first thought when he woke up was that it was going to feel like the longest day ever. He was pretty confident that he understood Spock’s comfort zone – and that it began when they went to bed and ended sometime before the sun came up. And it didn’t involve talking about the things that happened at night.

Kirk really did want to talk though, even though some part of him was terrified that the wrong combination of words would make all of this stop. It was clear that Spock was going through something, something that involved an uncharacteristic amount of emotion. Which was fine because Kirk got to see Spock smile and loosen up and stand in the rain, and he was pretty sure that Spock had watched every single sunset since he’d arrived. And Kirk’s heart swelled with happiness thinking about it. So there was no way he was going to mess it up with words.

Over breakfast Kirk realised that it was easier to carry on as normal, now that the initial disbelief had worn off. And Kirk was pretty confident there would be more kissing later, so he didn’t worry too much about that.

\---

Their trip to the store was uneventful, but it did fill up the better part of the afternoon. They returned with a few days’ worth of fresh produce and a decision that Spock would make dinner.

Jim offered to help Spock cook or at least prep, but Spock declined. Mostly because shuffling around in the kitchen and bumping into Jim was too tempting, and Spock wasn’t ready to blur the lines just yet. He was comfortable with the separation of the confines of their bed from the rest of the world, their bed where they didn’t have to talk about anything. Feelings were one thing, and he was getting accustomed to the intensity of them, but discussing them was still a way off.

\---

So Kirk sat on a stool on the other side of the counter from Spock and watched him, fascinated by Spock’s expert hands meticulously cutting up vegetables like some sort of magic. And he remembered the feel of those hands on his body last night and he wondered what other magical skills they possessed. _Dammit Jim._

“Where’d you learn how to cook?” he asked.

“My mother taught me.”

Kirk instantly regretted the question, he hated being the one to remind Spock of what he had lost. He looked from Spock’s hands to his face, and was relieved to see only a trace of sadness.

“I’m sorry Spock.” _As if that counts for anything_.

“It was something she taught me early on, and… it became a way for us to spend time together. Vulcans are more practical in their approach to food, but it was an activity that I enjoyed.”

“So you still like cooking?”

“Yes. It reminds me of her.”

Kirk wanted to jump over the counter and grab Spock and hold him close and tell him how sorry he was. But he clenched his fists under the counter instead and said softly, “She would be proud of you Spock.”

Spock met Kirk’s gaze and smiled faintly. “Thank you Jim.”

Then Kirk went back to watching Spock’s hands because he decided he would rather be turned on than sad.

\---

Spock was finishing up when Jim came into the kitchen to get plates and cutlery. This involved standing very close to Spock while opening cupboards and drawers. And there was bumping and brushing and Spock had to close his eyes and compose himself so as not to turn around and shove Jim into a counter. Jim wasn’t doing it on purpose but Spock had very human urges and limits, and Jim was pushing them whether he wanted to or not. _Just a little while longer._

Finally, Jim left and Spock had to stand behind the counter for a bit before carrying their dinner outside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 8](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151152752546/mood-board-for-chapter-8-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
> Hope everyone enjoyed that :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a token of my sincere gratitude for all your amazing feedback, please have an extra long chapter :)

They ate dinner and Kirk though it was maybe the best meal he’d had in his entire life. The best vegetarian meal for sure. Then Spock made them tea — Vulcan tea — and Kirk didn’t even protest. They sat outside and looked out onto the lake and the moonlight reflecting off the soft ripples. And Kirk was rather enjoying the tea, even though it burned his tongue because he tried to drink it too fast. Because he knew what awaited him afterwards.

\---

“Spock,” Jim whispered once he’d gotten into bed and lay down next to Spock.

Spock had never felt very strongly about his name, neither liking nor disliking it. But this, the way Jim said it, made him feel so many things. Especially the way Jim said it late at night, when his eyelids were heavy and his voice low and soft and seductive as fuck. It sent Spock’s stomach into freefall.

Spock turned to look at Jim and automatically his lips parted and his breathing got noticeably heavier.

Jim didn’t say anything but instead rolled right up against him, and then hesitated before throwing his leg over Spock and straddling him. His face was inches away and Spock could see apprehension in his eyes.

“Is this okay Spock?”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“Will you um… will you tell me if it’s not?”

“Of course Jim.” Spock couldn’t believe Jim was asking and he was getting worried that maybe his overpowering happiness wasn’t reflecting on his face.

Jim smiled. “Okay.”

And then the waiting ended and Jim lowered his head and planted his lips on Spock’s and there weren’t going to be any soft kisses tonight because Spock’s mouth was already open and Jim groaned when he felt it. 

\---

Kirk couldn’t remember enjoying kissing this much. Especially when it wasn’t a prelude to anything (as much as he would have liked it to be of course). But he loved it, loved how Spock’s tongue moved against his own and how soft Spock’s lips were and how well they fit together with his own. And the heat…

And Kirk knew Spock was really cautious with touching so he savoured it when Spock’s hands scraped up his thighs and those arms wrapped around his waist. And he thought his kissing might be getting sloppy because all he could focus on was the way Spock’s hands were rubbing his back. And then Spock moved one hand to Jim’s cheek and stroked it with his thumb and Kirk knew he wasn’t kissing correctly anymore.

Kirk broke away with a few gentle kisses and wrapped his hand around Spock’s and moved it, laying it palm up next to Spock’s pillow. He lined their hands up and pressed his fingertips against Spock’s, briefly, before stroking them down along the length of Spock’s fingers and further down his palm. Spock’s heavy breathing was just spurring Kirk on. He curled his fingers and stroked back up Spock’s palm with his nails, pausing when he got back up to the top before intertwining their fingers.

And then things happened really fast and the next thing Kirk knew he was flipped over and Spock was on top of him, wedged between his legs, and kissing him hard and fiercely. And their hands were still linked so Spock was half pinning him to the bed and Kirk thought he might actually come just from that. He didn’t but he did moan and that didn’t help things because then Spock left his mouth and moved on to his neck, and Kirk felt lips and tongue and teeth and Spock was biting and sucking and pushing him into the bed and Kirk thought he was going to explode from the feeling of it all.

And Kirk was waiting for Spock to slow down and stop and lie back down, but he was unrelenting. Kirk would have given his soul for the smallest bit of friction but maybe that was a step too far. Spock let go of his hand and slipped his arm under Kirk, wrapping it around his waist and pulling him in even closer. Then he left Kirk’s neck and went back to kissing his mouth and Kirk’s head started spinning.

When Spock broke away to go explore the other side of his neck, Kirk called on discipline he didn’t know he had.

“Spock...”

Spock didn’t stop immediately, lingering and taking far too long to hum in response.

“Spock this is so good… I… I don’t know—”

“I understand Jim,” Spock replied, hushed and out of breath. Spock kissed Kirk one more time, gently, before dropping his head to Kirk’s shoulder. They stayed like that until they got their breath back, Kirk gently stroking Spock’s back.

Spock eventually got off of Kirk and lay down next to him, and again he found Kirk’s hand. He pressed his own against it, stroking the back of it until Kirk took it, intertwining their fingers again.

\---

The morning started off like any other, except that Spock again lazed in bed for a few minutes, watching Jim sleep. They went for a run just after lunch and when they returned Kirk forgot about his previously planned showering sequence, so he was left pretty tense after three days of Spock’s teasing. He knew it wasn’t on purpose, and he was all for taking it slow, but he felt like he may as well have been walking around with a hard-on for three days.

\---

Shortly after Spock got out of the shower there was a knock on the door. Spock and Kirk exchanged glances, and Kirk made his best ‘oh shit’ face.

Spock smiled at him from the couch. “Did you perhaps forget about your check-up with the doctor?”

“Pretend we were expecting him,” Kirk replied, walking at a pace towards the door. Opening it, he put on his best ‘we were expecting you’ face. “Bones! It’s about damn time. Come in!”

“You forgot I was coming!” Bones managed to sound insulted, accusing, and questioning all at once.

“Are you kidding me? We went to the store and got real food and everything! Spock and I are gonna make you dinner!” Kirk looked over at Spock, and realised the Vulcan had the absolute best poker face known to man.

“It is good to see you doctor. We were expecting you earlier in the day.”

“Hey Spock. Yeah I got delayed, so I’ll stay the night and head out in the morning. I learned last time that this is not a fun trip to make in the middle of the night.” He turned to look at Kirk. “Guess we’re bunking kid.” And then he shoved his overnight bag at Kirk.

Kirk tried to keep his expression neutral and darted a look at Spock, who was purposefully avoiding eye contact but Kirk could swear he saw a veil of disappointment. “Sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable out here on the couch?”

“No. I’ll be more comfortable in a bed. Dammit Jim we’ve done this a hundred times before, what’s wrong with you?”

Kirk glanced at Spock again, who was now staring at the floor and Kirk couldn’t quite read his expression. “Just checking Bones. I’ll put your stuff down, get yourself a drink so long.”

With that Kirk almost ran into the bedroom, throwing Bones’ bag on the floor and scanning the bed for anything that could possible give away what had been happening there for the past week. It looked okay — Spock didn’t keep anything on the nightstand, and the bed was well made up. Kirk settled for hurriedly changing the pillowcases.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Bones to know, in fact he would have been happy to shout it to the entire galaxy, but it was new and he didn’t even know what _it_ was exactly. They hadn’t even discussed it amongst themselves yet.

In his haste to hide any evidence he’d forgotten the most important thing — there would be no kissing or touching or anything tonight. _Dammit Bones!_

Just then Bones walked in and picked up his bag, putting it on the bed and removing his medical kit.

“I can see you look fine Jim, but I need to send a report to Starfleet. So hold still.”

Kirk stood still while Bones scanned him.

“Your heart rate’s a bit elevated, you feeling okay?”

“Yeah Bones I’m fine, I just came back from a run.” _Nothing to do with Spock._

“Well it looks like your recovery time is pretty appalling. Don’t overdo it.”

\---

Spock sat on the couch, holding his PADD but staring straight through it, and realised it was unlikely that he would be getting any sleep tonight. He wasn’t at all jealous of McCoy — he was well acquainted with the nature of his relationship with Jim. But after only a week he couldn’t imagine not sleeping next to Jim at night. Never mind all the other things that they’d been doing lately. And the thought that he would have to wait more that a day to touch Jim again was devastating.

But Spock couldn’t fathom revealing this new advancement in his relationship with Jim to the doctor just yet. He couldn’t even reveal it to Jim, not verbally at least. Physically however—

Spock’s train of thought was interrupted by Jim and McCoy walking back into the lounge. He looked in their direction and Jim caught his gaze and attempted a smile. Spock was unexpectedly relieved to see that Jim seemed to be equally tortured by this set of circumstances.

\---

After their now customary sunset beers on the veranda the trio headed inside. Spock and Jim went into the kitchen and Bones sat on the other side of the counter, sipping his beer.

Once inside the kitchen Spock turned to Jim. “Jim I appreciate your offer to assist but I can manage by myself.” He tried to sound practical, not like he was discouraging Jim. But he was discouraging Jim. After two beers that pleasant hum was back and Spock felt his guard slipping and a warmth taking its place. And three-beers-later Jim was definitely going to be touchy, and McCoy was basically sitting watching them, and there would be no opportunity later to release all the tension than was going to build up.

“Nah, Spock it’ll go quicker this way.” Spock felt his knees weaken when Jim shot him his best smile. “Just show me what to do.”

Spock put him in charge of cooking the pasta, because Jim was at least one beer over the point where he should be handling knives.

\---

A part of Kirk wanted to be sitting next to Bones behind that counter, watching Spock’s hands again. But it wasn’t as strong as the part that wanted to be as close to Spock as physically possible, even though he knew he was setting himself up for a very disappointing and frustrating night. Even though he had to be incredibly careful with Bones sitting right there.

And he though he was careful, he thought he was trying to be. Or maybe trying not to be, it was hard to tell. His head was spinning but it wasn’t from the beer. Spock was the thing that was intoxicating. And being so close to him and not being able to touch him was driving Kirk insane.

And there was one particular point where he felt he wasn’t trying. When Kirk was getting cutlery out the drawer next to Spock, and Bones got up to go wash his hands, and Kirk stood right behind Spock and his lips hovered over Spock’s shoulder and that’s all he was going to do but clearly Spock didn’t trust him.

“Jim…”, Spock whispered, exhaling and clenching his hands. _Maybe he didn’t trust himself_.

And then Kirk whispered a barely-audible ‘sorry’ and carried on.

Kirk carried everything to the too-small inside table, not without thought, and set it. And when they were seated Spock pushed his chair in and intentionally pressed his knee into Kirk’s leg. And Kirk flinched but pushed back into the contact and tried really hard to focus on the story Bones was telling.

\---

Kirk lay in bed tossing and turning, not expecting to sleep much. It had only been a week but now not being next to Spock didn’t feel right. Never mind that he also had a certain level of anxiety about mistaking Bones for Spock in his sleep, god knows he would never live that down. And the whole night had just been building to something that wasn’t going to happen. Kirk considered getting into the shower, but Bones would probably wake up and wonder what the hell he was doing. Well, he’d know what he was doing, and that would just be weird.

It could have been minutes or hours but at some point he heard Spock getting up and walking somewhere, and then the door of the veranda opening and closing. Kirk slowly turned his head towards Bones but the doctor was fast asleep, face relaxed and devoid of its usual scowl, breathing slow and even. Kirk slid out the bed as silently as he could and made his was out of the bedroom and outside, struggling to find a balance between moving slowly so he wouldn’t make any noise and running so he could get his tongue into Spock’s mouth already.

Kirk stepped outside and saw Spock standing on the side furthest from the door, leaning against one of the pillars supporting the roof. He walked slow and restrained across the deck but lost control at the end and slammed his body into Spock so hard he thought he might have hurt him, but the way Spock pulled him in made him think otherwise.

Their contact was a mess of hungry kisses and desperate hands grabbing too hard at anything that offered some purchase. Kirk moaned and Spock broke away long enough to tell him they needed to be quiet so as not to wake their guest, whose wrath neither of them wanted to incur. After that Kirk thought half of his energy must be going into trying to stay quiet.

It was too heated and too depraved and there’d been three straight days of this and Kirk couldn’t help shoving one leg in between Spock’s so he could press his very aching cock into the Vulcan’s hip. He held out impossibly long, trying to focus his attention on Spock’s mouth instead, but eventually he started thrusting and rocking against Spock, sighing almost in relief when he felt the Vulcan’s own hardness pressed against him in response. _Not so fucking stoic after all_.

Kirk didn’t know whether this would be enough to get him to where he so desperately needed to be but he was oh so grateful for the friction. When Spock made no effort to stop him Kirk’s writhing became even more obscene.

Kirk felt the first hints of release building and he thrust even harder. The pleasure made his legs weak and he began to slump against Spock, his movements becoming more and more clumsy. Spock must have sensed his growing weakness and desperation, and moved his hands down Kirk’s back to just under his ass, holding him up and rocking him rhythmically against his own body.

It became too much – Spock’s scorching hands cupping his ass, the strength Kirk could feel through them, the heat of Spock’s mouth and anywhere their skin touched, how in control Spock was in this moment. Kirk lost control over his vocal chords. It started with soft whimpers that turned into low sighs and then one loud moan. Spock stopped moving, holding Kirk torturously still.

“Jim,” Spock whispered against Kirk’s mouth.

“Spock,” Kirk was shaking with need and his voice wavered, “Please.”

“Jim you need to be quiet or we will have to stop.”

“I’ll be quiet, I’ll be so good, pleasedontsto—”

Spock’s mouth closed over Kirk’s and he carried on grinding their bodies together. When Kirk felt his legs weaken further he tightened his grip around Spock’s shoulders, disconnecting their mouths to bury his head in Spock’s neck and concentrate on the escalating pleasure. When he came he used the last of his strength to keep himself from crying out. He slumped against Spock, who was now singly holding him up like it was nothing. Spock gave Kirk a minute to ride it out, and then slowly sank down to the floor until he was sitting with his legs stretched out and Kirk straddling him, face still buried in Spock’s neck. Kirk felt one hand slide under his t-shirt to rest on the skin just above his boxers, Spock’s other hand moving in soothing circles across the expanse of his back.

It felt like an eternity and at the same time not long enough when Kirk pulled back to look at Spock’s face. He whispered, “You didn’t…?”

Spock tilted his head to one side in lieu of a reply.

“You didn’t come?”

“No.”

Kirk started shifting back and tried to move his hands but Spock held him firmly in place and brought his lips right to Kirk’s ear.

“Jim I do not believe it is necessary for all pleasure to culminate in that way. There will be plenty of time.” This gave Kirk butterflies, not so much the words as the fact that Spock was whispering all properly and logically into his ear. Maybe also the way he said ‘pleasure’.

“I just want to make you feel good,” Kirk whispered back and made sure to drag his lips along Spock’s ear when he finished. Spock’s grasp on him tightened.

“You do Jim.”

\---

Spock brought one hand to Jim’s face and placed it on his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. Slow and careful and deliberate, maybe to make up for the carelessness of before. They kissed for a few minutes until Spock noticed Jim’s breathing beginning to quicken.

“Perhaps it is best if you get back to bed Jim,” Spock said after breaking the kiss.

Jim placed his hands on either side of Spock’s neck, and Spock felt thumbs caressing his jaw. “I want you to come with me.” He leaned down and brushed his lips against Spock’s. “I want to kiss more.”

“That is not possible with Doctor McCoy—”

“We’ll kick him out, come on, I don’t care.”

“Jim you are being irrational, clearly you are tired and would benefit from sleep.”

“Spock—”

“Doctor McCoy will be gone tomorrow.” Spock pulled forward and kissed Jim as chastely as he could manage. “Goodnight Jim.”

Jim snuck in one more very unchaste kiss before standing up, and Spock instantly missed the warmth on his legs. “You coming inside?”

“In a few minutes.”

Jim smiled and mouthed it more than said it, “Goodnight Spock.” Then he walked inside.

_Vulcans do lie._

Spock wanted nothing more than to come. To finally, _finally,_ feel the release of the effect Jim had been having on him for the last week. Maybe much longer than that, but there was no use thinking about that now.

But there was no way he would be able to be quiet. Not like Jim. He couldn’t trust himself and he didn’t want to. He wanted to be noisy and reckless and shout Jim’s name when he climaxed.

So he sat and breathed the cool air and listened to the sound of the water until he felt like he might be able to sleep. And some part of him felt strangely pleased that for the first time in a few days Jim was sleeping in a t-shirt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 9](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151250380531/mood-board-for-chapter-9-of-forget-about-stars-for)
> 
> Thank you for reading and for all the continued support, you guys are awesome!
> 
> P.S. This is long because I think you guys would have killed me if I'd split it in two ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Spock woke up much earlier than Jim and McCoy, and he tried his hardest to not look at Jim when he walked past the bed on his way to the shower. Maybe not his hardest, because he did look. And he looked again on his way out. And he thought about Jim the entire time in between, while he was in the shower. And he clenched his hands again and thought about how it was going to be the longest day. Which didn’t make any sense because they were technically all the same duration, and he needed to stop letting humans rub off on him.

Spock drank some tea and meditated outside, and when he went back in McCoy was in the kitchen making coffee.

“Good morning Doctor.”

“Morning Spock. And let’s stick to Leonard at least while we’re here, I’m trying to feel like I’m on holiday.”

“As you wish. I trust you slept well?”

“I was out cold.” Spock wanted to breathe a sigh of relief at those words. “The air out here just does something to you. Can I make you some more tea Spock?”

“No thank you.”

McCoy picked up two mugs of coffee. “Gonna take this to Jim. He needs to get the hell up already, I’m starving.”

Spock motioned for McCoy to give him one. “Allow me Leonard, I’ll take it to him.”

“Yeah better you than me, he’s damn cranky in the morning.” With that McCoy handed one mug over to Spock, who had to fight the urge to disagree with the comment. Jim seemed perfectly agreeable in the mornings. And afternoons and evenings. And especially at night.

Spock carried the mug into the bedroom and walked around to Jim’s side of the bed. He turned to make sure McCoy was outside before sitting down next to Jim, who was on his side facing Spock. He put the coffee down on the nightstand and put one hand on Jim’s arm.

“Jim,” Spock said softly, stroking his thumb over the skin.

Jim hummed and shifted slightly, placing his hand over Spock’s, and smiled. “Morning Spock.”

“How did you sleep?”

Jim smiled even wider. “Really really good.” He opened his eyes and squinted at Spock, still adjusting to the light. “What about you?”

“Surprisingly well considering the inexcusable discomfort of the couch.”

“Sorry Spock.”

Spock looked over at the mug of coffee. “Leonard suggested that this may motivate you to get out of bed. He seemed to be in a hurry to eat.”

“Leonard?” Jim said, laughing.

Spock smiled. “At his insistence.”

Jim slid his hand off Spock’s and pushed himself further up on the bed before taking the mug of coffee.

“I will leave you then,” Spock said, getting up.

“Thanks Spock.”

\---

McCoy left shortly before lunch and Spock was quite disappointed that it was still so early in the day. After lunch he busied himself with work, which seemed to make the wait more bearable. He didn’t join Jim for his run, thinking about their showering predicament the previous day and how close he had been to suggesting the most logical option was for them to shower together. _Dammit Spock._

He didn’t have time to mourn his increasing loss of inhibition however, because Jim returned from his run and Spock was only half-heartedly attempting to be subtle about staring at him.

They played chess before dinner, and Spock suspected Jim was just as happy as he was to let the game drag on as long as possible. Maybe he too didn’t know how to fill the gaps until the time when they could touch each other again.

It turns out they didn’t have to wait _that_ long. Spock was making dinner with Jim thankfully once again seated across from him, and Spock was recounting an incident that happened once while cooking with his mother back on Vulcan. He’d barely finished when Jim got up and walked around the counter, spinning Spock around and wrapping his arms around him.

“I’m sorry Spock. I’m so sorry,” Jim said into his neck, and Spock could hear the heartbreak in his voice.

“Jim. Please do not apologise.” Spock pulled him in and placed a soothing hand on the back of his head.

“No Spock, I… I never apologised for the things I said to you then.”

“I know you did not mean them. You did what was required in order to save us. It was logical.”

Spock stroked the back of Jim’s head and thought about the last time they were here, in this exact place, with Jim wrapped around him in much the same way, albeit drunk. And he thought about how different that was, and how far they’d come in those five days. And Jim was here, in his arms, with no obvious plans to go anywhere. Alive and well and real. And Spock thought maybe he could tell Jim something, something small, about what he had gone through and what he felt now. Maybe later.

“Tell me more of your stories Spock,” Jim said, breaking away and smiling faintly. “I like them.”

“Very well.” Spock smiled back.

\---

After dinner Spock once again made them tea, and Kirk followed him outside. Instead of sitting at the table Spock proceeded to the stairs, sitting down on the top step.

Kirk sat next to him and put his tea down. “Good idea, much better view from here.”

“More stars,” Spock replied, looking up.

“Do you miss it, being up there?”

“Yes, but I am enjoying my time here. I do not wish to return just yet.”

“Me neither.”

The silence that followed wasn’t awkward, but Kirk had a distinct feeling that Spock was on the verge of saying something. Eventually, he did.

“I paid a visit to Ambassador Spock, once you’d left the city.”

Kirk resisted the urge to to turn and look at Spock. Too confrontational. “I had a feeling you might have. He was the only person other than Bones who knew where I was.”

“Why did you choose to disclose your destination to him? I presume he was not planning to visit.”

“I think I was hoping he would tell you.” Kirk tensed up, cringing almost, holding his breath until Spock spoke. In case he didn’t. In case this was too much for him to hear.

Spock turned to him. “I am glad he did.”

Kirk tried to control his exhale but he only half managed, so it still came out sounding like a relieved sigh. “I’m glad you went to see him. I know I said it before, but I think I was pretty drunk, so maybe I should say it again.” He turned to Spock and smiled. “I’m really glad that you came here Spock.”

“As am I Jim.” With that Spock looked down at Kirk’s hand resting on the edge of the step and placed his own over it.

\---

It was easier to say those words this time and Spock felt the strangest sense of relief wash over him. There were still a hundred things that he needed to tell Jim but this was a start, and Jim seemed pleased to hear it. And he seemed to like listening to Spock in general, which made Spock think that maybe talking about feelings was not going to be as impossible as he thought. But this was enough for one day.

\---

When Spock walked out the bathroom he saw Jim sitting on the edge of the bed, facing him. He realised he could still see Jim because of a dim bedside light that was still on. A paralysing thrill ran through Spock, and he had to force himself to walk forward. After what felt like more steps than necessary he was standing in between Jim’s legs. Jim looked up at him and Spock was taken aback by the vulnerability in his eyes. Jim’s hands found their way to Spock’s thighs and slowly travelled up to his hips and then further up to his waist, lifting Spock’s t-shirt as they went. Spock watched as Jim cast his eyes down to the exposed skin and pressed his lips next to Spock’s navel in a kiss. And then another. And when the third one came Spock tipped his head back and let out a very loud exhale. And then Jim’s soft kisses turned to licks. And when Spock’s hands found their way to Jim, one to his shoulder and the other running through the mess of hair on his head, Spock felt Jim’s teeth scraping along his side.

\---

Kirk moved back on the bed and pulled Spock onto his lap. Their lips met at the same time as Spock rested his weight on Kirk, more specifically on the straining bulge in his boxers, and Kirk let out a groan. Kirk’s hands moved to Spock’s ass and squeezed gently, and Spock seemed to like that and rolled his hips in response. Kirk’s hands travelled up and under Spock’s t-shirt and he remembered what he was trying to do when they started. He nudged the fabric up and Spock freed his arms so Kirk could pull the t-shirt off.

Spock was fucking beautiful.

Kirk tried to take in everything at once. Perfect hair ruffled by the shirt, lean muscular torso, the curve of his shoulders. He’d have to look later because right now he needed to taste. So he explored Spock’s chest and shoulders with his lips and tongue and he knew Spock was really enjoying that because the next time he rolled his hips he made sure to push his hard-on into Kirk’s abdomen. Kirk soon realised he had no leverage to push back so he motioned for Spock to lie down and climbed on top of him.

Kirk was almost disappointed that Spock, save for some very heavy breathing, was mostly quiet. But his arms were tight around Kirk and his lips kissed whatever part of Kirk happened to be within reach, so that would have to do.

Spock started thrusting upward with his hips and his hands tried to guide Kirk’s body to the same rhythm, and Kirk wholly welcomed it, angling his hips to line them up. And Spock moaned when their cocks were right up against each other. It was the first noise he’d made and Kirk really wanted there to be more of that.

Their kissing got much messier after that because Kirk, for one, was far more focused on what was happening lower down.

Soon enough Spock’s hands were tightening around his back, and the thrusting was getting faster, so Kirk pushed a hand down between their bodies and cupped it over Spock’s hard-on. Spock froze under him for only a second, so Kirk proceeded to carefully rub his hand up and down the length a few times. And when Spock didn’t protest, he moved his hand back up and under the fabric, slipping it around Spock’s cock.

And finally he was rewarded with another moan, subdued and strangled, but Kirk would take it.

Spock’s arms tightened around Kirk again, and he took that as an invitation and started stroking. He was very pleasantly surprised when he felt one of Spock’s hands snaking around from his back and into Kirk’s pants, wrapping around his cock and matching every one of Kirk’s strokes.

\---

Spock felt himself getting close to both everything he wanted and everything he feared. What he wanted was obvious. What he feared was the openness he was about to display. The loss of composure. The vulnerability. No matter how many times he’d seen it in Jim’s eyes in the past few days he dreaded the moment it would show in his own, radiating from there through his entire body. And maybe that was unfair to Jim, because he’d been putting himself out there time and time again, not knowing at all how Spock would react. But Jim did it anyway, and Spock was eternally grateful because he didn’t have the courage to.

So Spock let out a long deep breath and willed all the fear out with it. And it seemed to work because he felt himself sinking into the bed and Jim smiling into their kiss. And he moaned again, and that was okay because what Jim’s hand was doing felt really good and it was the least he could do to let him know.

Jim’s breathing started getting laboured and his stroking fell appallingly out of rhythm. Spock wrapped his free hand around Jim’s wrist, motioning for him to pause so he could savour his orgasm. Jim didn’t protest, slumping down with his head on Spock’s chest and crying out just seconds later. Spock kissed Jim’s head and removed his slick hand from in between them to wrap his arm around Jim, holding him until his shuddering subsided.

It didn’t take Jim long to lift himself back up and get his hand back into Spock’s pants and around his still very hard cock. And now Spock’s hands were free to stroke up and down Jim’s sides, cradle his face, and clutch at his back when the pleasure got too much. And Spock tried once more to clear his mind of thought and inhibition and anything that could hold him back from experiencing, with absolute intensity, the feeling of this moment. Of Jim’s hands and lips and skin and breath. Spock tipped his head back and his arms went slack, falling to the bed, and the pleasure rolled over him in mounting waves as he came.

And he didn’t hold back any noise that came out of his mouth.

The next thing he knew Jim was kissing him, holding him and surrounding him completely. And Jim was all smiles and happiness. Eventually and reluctantly they got out of bed and cleaned up. And when they got back in Jim wrapped himself around Spock, placing occasional kisses on his neck until he fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 10](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151395101311/mood-board-for-chapter-10-of-forget-about-stars)
> 
> Follow me for updates!
> 
> Thank you again for reading, two more chapters to go :)


	11. Chapter 11

Spock spent most of the next day thinking about some of the talking he planned to do. It would be difficult and unpleasant but he tried to imagine the lightness it would bring, and the relief. Thinking about it didn’t seem to help because by the time evening had come he still had no plan and no way to broach the subject. So over dinner he told Jim more stories, more tales of growing up on Vulcan. And Jim looked at him as if he was the only being in the entire universe and his words were the only sound. Or maybe that’s how Spock looked at Jim.

When Spock was making them their now-usual evening tea Jim came around the counter to watch. It wasn’t a particularly exciting process but he seemed intrigued nevertheless.

“So… is this your favourite tea?”

“Yes. It is difficult to procure now, but I believe there is progress being made on New Vulcan with regard to—”

He was interrupted by Jim’s hands on his face and Jim’s lips on his own. It was light and quick and Jim followed up with a ‘sorry’, which Spock countered with a smile.

\---

_Dammit Jim._

He’d been trying so hard to stick to ‘the rules’, as he now referred to them, but seeing Spock doing something he loved or something he felt passionate about — or, _fuck_ , anything really — chipped away at Kirk’s control. But Spock didn’t seem to mind too much so Kirk picked up his tea as if nothing had happened and proceeded outside.

They sat on the stairs again which suited Kirk just fine. It was quiet and Kirk was almost through his cup of tea before Spock said anything.

“Jim I wanted to know if… if is there anything you would like to ask me?”

“About what Spock?”

“Anything. At all.”

Kirk sat for a few seconds with a million things running through his mind, a million things he wanted to know about Spock. But he suspected that maybe Spock might mean something more specific. Something that Kirk had alluded to before.

“Why did you avoid me? At the hospital?”

“I will attempt to explain, but I want you to know how much I regret my actions. It was not my intention to avoid you. I wished, more than anything, to see you.”

“There were so many things I wanted to tell you Spock.”

“As did I Jim. However, I found that I did not understand what they were or how to say them.”

“Spock…” Kirk took a deep breath. Maybe he’d have to go first to pave the way for Spock, and that was okay. “When I realised it was the end, that I’d never see you again—” Kirk closed his eyes, shocked by the surge of emotion that accompanied the memory. Maybe he too had some things to work through. “I didn’t care about anything else then Spock. Just you.”

It took Spock a few moments to speak.

“I grew up on Vulcan. I was raised as a Vulcan. Despite being given sufficient opportunity to explore my human heritage, I chose not to. I always believed it was for the best.”

“Why?”

“Other than love for my mother there were few emotions that I enjoyed experiencing. Vulcan children—” It was Spock’s turn to regroup. “It was difficult to grow up in an environment where I was different. So I strived to not be.”

Kirk looked at Spock, but Spock was looking up at the sky.

“It is not easy for me to accept emotions, much less to talk about them.”

“I know that Spock. And we don’t have to…” Kirk trailed off.

“Jim there are things I wish to say.”

“I’m always gonna be here to listen.”

Spock’s focus shifted down to the water. “I… I could not accept the response your death elicited in me. I compared it to the tragedy that befell my planet — and my mother — and it seemed illogical for your death to have a more severe effect on me.” Spock closed his eyes. “I was ashamed Jim.”

Kirk had no words. There were no words in any language in all the galaxy that he could say to this. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Spock and held him as tightly as he could. Spock sank into him, resting his head on Kirk’s shoulder, his arms weakly holding on to Kirk’s shirt. And Kirk, for the first time since Spock arrived, felt like he wasn’t the most vulnerable one.

\---

Spock couldn’t think anymore. This exchange, fleeting by human standards, had completely overwhelmed him. But it needed to be done. His avoidance of Jim had been weighing so heavily on him ever since he’d arrived, and it felt good to finally tell Jim the truth.

All of it felt good. Letting go, letting Jim hold him for once, comfort him.

And when Jim said ‘just you’… well, everything inside Spock went up in flames right then.

Jim leaned back to lie down on the floor and Spock curled into him. His legs were at a weird angle and the floor was hard but Jim made it good.

“We can talk more tomorrow Spock,” Jim whispered into his hair.

Spock hummed in agreement and they lay for a while just breathing.

“Shall we go to bed?” Spock asked eventually.

“Yeah. You go on ahead, I’ll close up.”

Spock pushed himself up and stood, but not before leaning down over Jim and giving him a light but still very suggestive kiss.

\---

Kirk walked to the bed but instead of going around to his side he walked up to Spock’s, climbing on the bed and straddling him. Spock looked apprehensive as always but he eagerly obliged when Kirk lifted his t-shirt, pulling it over his head and throwing it on the floor. Kirk again took a moment to admire Spock’s messy hair before placing his hands on Spock’s chest and slowly caressing down to where his own legs were in the way. Spock shuddered and gripped Kirk’s thighs, and Kirk wanted more touching but Spock’s hands were pulling so it was his turn to oblige and lean down and kiss that welcoming mouth.

Spock’s hands were everywhere but when they reached down to cup Kirk’s ass, applying the slightest bit of pressure, Kirk moaned loudly and started rolling his hips against Spock’s. And he wished he’d taken the rest of their clothes off before they started because there was too much fabric separating his cock from Spock’s. But it was too good to stop right now, even though he really didn’t want to come in his boxers yet again so maybe he should do something about those just now.

And then Spock moved his hand to Kirk’s cheek again, and Kirk again placed his own over it. Except now he turned it ever so slightly and broke away from Spock’s lips to kiss his wrist. Spock dug the fingers of his other hand into Kirk’s hip, and Kirk turned his head to place another kiss on his palm. Spock’s grip tightened even further so Kirk kissed his way up Spock’s fingers before looking him in the eye and taking two of them into his mouth. Spock gasped and bucked his hips and then froze, exhaling loudly. The second Kirk released Spock’s fingers from his mouth he felt himself being thrown over and Spock on top of him again.

And this time Kirk felt a strange undercurrent to Spock’s kisses, and his stomach flipped and his skin tingled and he felt terrified and excited all at once. And Spock shifted as he was kissing until he was straddling Kirk. And then his mouth moved to Kirk’s neck and a hand ran down between their bodies, into Kirk’s boxes, wrapping around his cock. At the same time Kirk felt teeth scraping against his neck and he cried out, he didn’t even know what.

Spock’s mouth was unrelenting, kissing his way down Kirk’s body. At some point Spock took his hand away and Kirk was almost disappointed until he realised what was happening, and he barely managed to lift his hips in time for Spock to rip off his boxers. Kirk raised himself up on his elbows and watched in awe as Spock looked him in the eyes for a brief moment, and then with no warning or hesitation or prelude lowered his head and wrapped his lips around Kirk’s cock. And Kirk cried out again, Spock’s name this time, and sank back down to the bed, hands bunching the sheets to stop himself from thrusting up.

It quickly became too much. The heat of Spock’s mouth coupled with his eager pace was quickly pushing Kirk close to the edge. Part of him wanted to tell Spock to slow down and take his time, so he could feel every stroke of Spock’s hand at the base of his cock, every slide of Spock’s lips against his sensitive skin. But there would be time for that later. Next time, or the time after that.

Kirk let go of the sheets with one hand and moved it down to Spock’s head, threading his fingers though the silky hair and scratching his nails along the scalp. This was definitely a bad move because it made Spock moan and the feel of that on his cock almost made Kirk lose it right there. So of course he did it again, and Spock moaned again and quickened his pace and Kirk closed his eyes and gasped for air and came harder than he ever thought possible. And he didn’t remember anything for a few seconds afterwards until he felt Spock’s head resting on his thigh, hot breath on his skin and his hand still in Spock’s hair.

“Spock… Jesus that was…” He didn’t have the strength to finish and he didn’t have the appropriate word anyway, but he smiled as Spock made his way back up to kiss him really really thoroughly. Eventually when Kirk regained enough composure he tentatively tried to push Spock back, fully intent on returning the favour. Spock didn’t budge however, and after a few more subtle attempts Kirk broke their kiss and whispered.

“Spock, lie down.”

“Jim I’m—”

“Spock I really wanna do this.”

\---

Jim’s eyes looked vulnerable again, and sincere, and Spock swallowed down the trepidation for the hundredth time and slowly raised himself off Jim. He lay down on his back and Jim was back on top of him, kissing him everywhere but with a definite and very specific heading. And every time that Spock tensed — because he was scared, in the best way possible, but scared nevertheless — Jim would come back up and kiss him softly on the lips and whisper, mostly about how much he loved Spock’s skin and the heat and the taste of it. And Spock breathed out and relaxed and kissed him back and tried to smile.

And after one of those times Spock felt Jim’s fingers slip under the waistband of his pants and pull them down just a touch before he felt Jim’s tongue sliding along his hipbone. It was a stupid expression but Spock finally understood what humans meant when they said they felt like they might die. And he tried his best not to tense up again because he wanted — needed — Jim to stay exactly where he was.

Spock obviously succeeded because after Jim kissed the line his tongue had just traced he lifted himself up and moved to the side to remove the last item of clothing off Spock. And then he nudged his way in between Spock’s legs and kissed just above his navel. Then to the side and then further down. Even though Spock could feel Jim’s breath on his skin he was somehow still unprepared for the kiss Jim placed at the base of his cock, and all the subsequent ones all the way to the tip. Nor was he prepared for the feel of Jim’s wet and cool mouth engulfing him. Spock wasn’t sure anymore but he suspected he no longer had control or comprehension of what came out of his mouth.

Jim’s manipulations were in stark contrast to his own. Jim was slow and methodical, every lick and slide and stroke deliberate and intentional and Spock almost regretted his earlier haste. Because this was so _good_ and he had time to focus on every new sensation.

\---

Spock’s mouth was letting slip embarrassing noises and fragments of words Kirk didn’t know or understand. It should have been amusing and endearing but all it did was turn Kirk on even more. Because this, reducing his exemplary first officer to a trembling incoherent mess grasping at the sheets, was the most beautiful sight Kirk had ever seen. And Kirk realised he needed to stop thinking that because every new thing Spock did was more beautiful than the last.

So he tried to focus all his attention on the feel of Spock in his mouth, and make sure that everything he did elicited an audible response. And it did. He was half hard again by the time he felt Spock’s body going boneless underneath him for a few seconds before every single muscle tensed up, and Kirk was pretty sure he heard his name somewhere in the incoherent cries.

\---

They fell asleep with arms and legs intertwined, neither particularly comfortable but each completely unwilling to let go of the other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 11](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151486996641/mood-board-for-chapter-11-of-forget-about-stars)  
> I'm really going to miss making these, even though I will have unbelievable amounts of free time.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading :) And I hope you guys know how much your feedback means to me, thank you.
> 
> One more chapter to go...


	12. Chapter 12

Spock woke up just before sunrise as usual and went about his morning ritual of looking at Jim lying next to him, showering, and then meditating. It was still early when he finished so, against all logic, he climbed back into bed — lying really close and putting his hand gently on Jim’s waist. And against all odds, he fell asleep.

\---

For Kirk, waking up to see Spock still sleeping next to him was the best kind of surprise. Kirk was hungry and thirsty and really needed to pee, but none of that was as important as Spock’s dishevelled hair and the way his lips curved when he slept.

After showering Kirk went into the kitchen and made coffee for himself and tea for Spock. Carrying it into the bedroom he wondered whether anyone had ever brought Spock tea in bed, and he really hoped he was the first.

Over breakfast Kirk proposed another trip to the store, seeing as Bones would be coming to visit again tomorrow and they really needed to not forget this time.

\---

Walking back from the store Spock found he couldn’t stop looking at Jim, who seemed to have noticed because he kept smiling every time he caught Spock. And he didn’t know if it was because of the way the light filtered through the trees and made Jim’s eyes shine, but at some point he stopped and put his bags down on the ground. And when Jim turned to look back at him Spock stepped forward, pulling Jim towards him and kissing him. Jim moaned in surprise before dropping his bags to the ground and winding his arms around Spock.

They were in the middle of a dirt road a good half-mile from home and this was a bad idea but Spock didn’t care. They kissed until they were both breathless, so they broke apart and stood, arms still around each other and foreheads together, and Spock wondered whether there was anything he should say. Jim beat him to it.

“Spock I don’t want this to end. I don’t want us to be any other way.”

“Neither do I Jim.”

Jim’s exhale sounded relieved and he dropped his head onto Spock’s shoulder.

“Perhaps we should head back,” Spock said after a few moments.

Jim laughed. “Yeah we should.”

They picked up the discarded grocery bags and carried on walking, and Spock felt a lightness he couldn’t remember experiencing before.

\---

After his run and subsequent shower, Kirk walked outside to find Spock was in his usual spot on the stairs, enjoying the sunset.

Kirk sat down next to him and their hands immediately found their way to each other, fingers interlocking.

“I did not believe Ambassador Spock when he told me that you would be important to me,” Spock eventually said.

Kirk laughed. “Yeah when we met I told him you hated me.” He shook his head. “And I saw things… when he melded with me. Felt things. But, you know… I figured that was his life and not yours.”

“I think he would be pleased to know he was right.”

“Yeah.” Kirk took Spock’s hand into his lap.

“He… he did not tell me to come here. I wanted to come. To see you.”

“Spock…”

“I do not know how to do this Jim. How to tell you things and how to act.”

“Spock it’s me, and it’s you.” Kirk squeezed Spock’s hand. “We’ll figure it out.”

“The ambassador convinced me that I could allow myself to feel some emotion towards you, without it overpowering me, and that is what I have been attempting to do.”

“Well I’m glad you believed him this time.”

“I am too.” Spock’s grip on Kirk’s hand tightened. “When we get back—”

“Don’t think about that now Spock. We’ll make it work.”

Spock’s hand relaxed again and Kirk watched the changing colours reflected on the water. When the last sliver of sun dipped below the horizon Spock broke their silence.

“Shall I make you dinner Jim?”

“Sounds great Spock.”

\---

Spock didn’t get to make dinner because Jim came into the kitchen and stood a bit too close and grazed Spock’s lower back with the tips of his fingers. And maybe one day a touch would be just a touch, an innocent brushing of skin, a gentle reminder of the other’s presence. But not just yet. Right now every touch was an invitation. Or maybe a dare. So Spock dropped whatever he was holding and spun Jim around and pushed him into the counter like he’d been meaning to do so many times already. And Jim’s kisses were needy and his hands searching and Spock abandoned all thoughts of food.

Jim’s hands were under Spock’s shirt and Spock barely managed to break away long enough to ask whether they should consider moving.

He followed Jim to the bed, both of them taking their t-shirts off on the way. Jim lay down and Spock crawled on top of him and thought about how he really really wanted to take his time now. But Jim was all grabbing and pulling and thrusting so Spock tried to find a balance but failed, ripping Jim’s pants and boxers off instead before hastily removing his own.

\---

Kirk again felt something surging beneath the surface in Spock. Spock was trying to go slow but his breathing was too intense and his touches too firm and Kirk felt teeth every time Spock’s mouth connected with his torso. And it felt incredible.

Kirk wanted more, wanted to feel as much of Spock as possible. He knew Spock’s mouth around his cock wasn’t going to be enough, nothing they’d already done was going to be enough. He broke away and held Spock’s face in in his hands for a second, thinking of refined ways to phrase it, something about wanting to feel Spock inside of him and other such subtleties.

“Spock I want you to fuck me.”

_Jesus Christ Jim._

Spock’s eyes widened and he groaned and muttered something that Kirk guessed was Vulcan before slamming his mouth into Kirk’s so hard that it almost hurt. Kirk took that as a yes and let Spock kiss him some more before gently pushing against him.

“I need to get something Spock.”

“Of course,” Spock whispered raggedly before lifting himself up. He kneeled on the bed, visibly trying to compose himself while Kirk manically rummaged through drawers for lube that he knew he’d brought.

It looked like Spock’s plan had worked, and by the time Kirk lay back down all the haste had disappeared and Spock was all caresses and slow kisses and gentle undulating hips.

Kirk started fidgeting with the tube still in his hand and Spock wrapped his hand around Kirk’s and whispered, “Tell me how Jim.”

And Kirk did, and he could swear Spock’s hands were shaking. But he must have been mistaken because when they touched him they were firm and steady. And Spock was heartbreakingly gentle stretching him open. It took forever but Spock’s fingers felt good and his lips reassuring and Kirk didn’t mind so much.

“Is this okay Jim?” Spock whispered, and Kirk couldn’t remember ever hearing his voice sound quite so enticing.

“God yes Spock. Really good.”

He could swear Spock smiled before his lips found their way to Kirk’s in the most achingly soft kiss. Just lips, pressing into Kirk’s over and over until Kirk’s head was spinning and he started pushing down onto Spock’s fingers, silently begging him to go faster and deeper.

“Spock, I think I’m ready,” Kirk groaned eventually, and Spock stopped kissing long enough for Kirk to see that nervousness back in his eyes.

Spock slid his fingers out and Kirk hitched his legs up, gently wrapping his hand around Spock’s cock and lining them up. And finally Kirk felt Spock pushing inside him, achingly slowly like everything else but Kirk wouldn’t have it any other way.

And he realised Spock still felt tense, so he cupped Spock’s face again and looked at him in the near-dark and saw that the apprehension hadn’t quite left.

“Spock that feels really good…”

And that seemed to work because Spock’s face changed and he leaned down to brush his lips along Kirk’s ear and whispered things that made Kirk really wish he could understand Vulcan. And then Spock was all the way inside him and Kirk groaned and his hands grasped at Spock’s back and he begged Spock, not silently this time, to move. And Spock did, slowly building up to a satisfying pace.

Spock’s movements became shaky and he stopped kissing and moved his lips to Kirk’s ear again to whisper his name this time. He gave a few more heavy thrusts before collapsing on top of Kirk. And Kirk was still unbearably hard but he held Spock and kissed his temple and stroked his back.

Every second was agony but Spock eventually lifted himself up and kissed Kirk lightly on the cheek. Then he edged down Kirk’s body and finally took Kirk’s aching cock into his mouth. And this time it was slow and careful and so very Spock, and everything Kirk wanted it to be.

 

\---

Spock woke up later than usual, and not because of his internal clock. He woke up because Jim’s arms were wrapping around him and Jim was curling into him, his lips finding Spock’s neck and kissing it before falling back asleep. And Spock lay awake for a while tracing his fingers over Jim’s skin and thinking back to a few mornings ago when this was all he ever wanted.

They went for a run after breakfast and when they came back there seemed to be an unspoken understanding that they needed to peel each other’s clothes off and most definitely get into the shower together. And showering was mostly kissing and groping until they clumsily dried themselves off and almost ran to the bed.

And this time it was Spock lying on his back and Jim above and inside him, kissing his cheek and his jaw and his shoulder while Spock gasped and dug his fingers into Jim’s skin with every thrust.

And Spock felt vulnerable and raw and broken open again but that was okay because Jim was right there, putting him back together with his whispers and his kisses and his overwhelming tenderness. And Spock would be better than before.

Afterwards, exhausted and sated, they lay in bed kissing and caressing until Jim’s hunger pangs became too much and they reluctantly dressed and went to the kitchen. And after lunch they lay on the couch together, Spock on his back half working on his PADD and Jim wedged between his legs with his head on Spock’s chest, doing absolutely nothing.

\---

Kirk was close to dozing off when there was a knock at the door. He lifted his head to look at Spock but all he got was an amused look. He was contemplating getting up when the door opened.

“Dammit Jim!”, McCoy yelled as soon as he was far enough inside to see them. “You coulda told me! Now I have to drive home in the middle of the night!”

“Nonsense Bones—”

“I’m not sleeping on your stupid couch! Not with—” McCoy threw his free hand up, gesticulating wildly, “— _this_ going on. Thanks a lot for telling me!” He started making his way to the kitchen before turning back. “Last time I was here, were you— was this—? Dammit!”

Spock felt like he should be mortified but Kirk was laughing uncontrollably into his chest so he let it go and smiled. Which seemed to make McCoy even more livid, and he stormed into the kitchen throwing bags unceremoniously onto the counter, muttering something about ‘damn idiots’ and ‘sneaking around’.

Maybe later McCoy would tell them, separately, that it was about damn time. But not right now, right now he was going to be grumpy while he packed away groceries.

Spock stroked the back of Kirk’s head and whispered, “Perhaps it would be best if you go help him.”

They got up and Kirk went into the kitchen and it was Spock’s turn to sit on the other side of the counter.

Kirk slapped McCoy on the shoulder. “Come on Bones, cheer up! Let’s go do that medical you love so much, I’ll even let you hypo me!”

McCoy grumbled something and turned around to shoot him an annoyed glare but Kirk stepped forward and hugged him, and it was all manly with lots of back-slapping but Kirk heard it, as faint as it was, “I’m happy for you kid.”

And maybe McCoy would tell Spock the same thing later. Maybe out on the veranda while Kirk was inside fetching more beer. And then he would pretend that nothing happened and scowl at Spock who would still be smiling at the sentiment when Kirk returned.

Maybe later. Right now he was going to drag Kirk away for an extensive and unnecessary check-up, and hypo him for good measure.

\---

A few weeks later, on New Vulcan, Ambassador Spock was sitting down with a cup of tea when he received a message.

‘Thank you.’

It was brief, but he knew himself — in this case the younger version of himself — well enough to understand the magnitude of those simple words. And he smiled as he looked over at the ornate tin of his favourite tea that had arrived a few days earlier, accompanied by a much longer and far more elaborate message.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood board for this chapter on Tumblr:
> 
> [Chapter 12](http://trekdreams.tumblr.com/post/151582082236/mood-board-for-chapter-12-of-forget-about-stars)  
>   
> I can't believe that's the last one.
> 
> Wow.
> 
> To all of you that read this and liked it and stuck with it to the end, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am overwhelmed at the response this has received, thank you!
> 
> So until the next big idea comes along I plan to write two shorter stories - one will be Spirk. If you are interested you can follow me on [tumblr](https://trekdreams.tumblr.com) for updates :)
> 
> Until next time ;)


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